Emptiness

So here it goes...

sniffing a bit with tears in my eyes.... when I hugged Julie goodbye at the airport today but I didn't let her see that.

I could not sleep last night, as always, on the day before Julie goes back to Buxton. I tried to stay cool though. I tried not to talk too much to her, not to bother her with some reminders as a mother would tell her children before their travelling. She was busy with her final assignment paper whole night and I knew she was stressful. Although I wanted so much to remind her this and that, which it's in a mother's nature, what to do, I can't help it.

Last night sister-battle at the dining table

I went to bed at 5 a.m. in the early morning, woke up at 9.30 p.m. and saw she was still sitting in front of her laptop. Apparently she had stayed up whole night and didn't go to bed at all. I asked her in my morning tiring voice and she answered yes in her signing tiring voice. The old time's Doris would get annoyed about this situation and started to lecture her with, such as: See, always like that, do things last minute, why can' you this and that...etc.. Of course saying all that was because out of a mother's love with a concern that her daughter doesn't have enough sleep and got tired. 

This morning's me still felt sorry to see her had a sleepless night with the stress and struggling with her paper work, but I didn't say much. I asked her if she wanted breakfast but she said she was not hungry. So, I said no more but just quickly put on my winter jacket, took her un-dried clothes which was washed at the last minute last night, and ran down to the big washing house across our apartment, to tumbled dry them so that she could pack them down.

I came back to the apartment after 10 minutes and Julie was in her shower. I quickly switched on the stove and heated up the frying pan, took out two eggs and milk, then started making omelet. I knew she told me not hungry but I also knew she would be hungry later. So after my omelet was done, I let it cooled down and then made an egg sandwich for her to bring it along. Again, this was a very mummy's thing...I just worried she might be hungry during the waiting hours at her transit. Even though I knew she could buy food at the airport but still...I couldn't help it, and that's the least I could do for her before her leaving since I didn't need to help her to pack her luggage anymore, like I did for her and Mabel when they were small before our travelling back to Malaysia.

After dropping Julie of at the airport, I got home to a quiet apartment with some tracks that showed Julie was here (although she had been tried to clear up in the rush :). Let me see: 

Her leftover cookies on the table in the living room, empty paper bag on the floor in her room, a pair of winter boots which she doesn't need them for the time being in Buxton, and a sketch of her manga dolls on the kitchen table. How glad when I saw this unfinished scratch! I always feel kind of waste that she doesn't draw so much anymore.  Anyway, it's hanged up at the door to the girls' room now.

Mabel was still sleeping when i reached home. So after she left the apartment to work, the emptiness started to fill the atmosphere in the apartment. I could only hear the quietness and the tinnitus in my ears. I have occupied my loneliness with games on the phone and being busy body at Facebook since then. Even though I was tired..but I just couldn't go to sleep in the daylight anymore, might have the risk that I cannot fell asleep tonight.

So, here I am...

After almost eight hours of waiting, while I was writing this, Julie Whatsapped me with the following short message. While I was reading it, tears blurred my eyes, with gladness and relief.

"Hi,mom, on the train back to Buxton now. Thanks for everything this Christmas! Love you :)" 

My girls have not idea how much their few nice words and thoughts would always make my days shine and my moods swing positively. 

"You are most welcome, Anytime! Love you too." - my reply.