The last day of year 2012

This year I have to be honest to myself and say it out loud - I am never happy on the New Year Eve since I married and got children. In the matter of fact, today I always feel miserable, the last day of a year. 

New Year Eve... What is New Year Eve celebration to me? I don't really know cause I don't really have one since I have a family of my own.

I know there are many people who are having misfortune and miserable in their life, who have 1000000 times worse than mine right now, especially on this day, I do feel sorry for them. 

But today, I just want to be true to myself and really say it: " I AM NOT HAPPY ON EVERY NEW YEAR EVE!"

It's my own fault really cause I am married to a guy who doesn't like holiday celebration.

It's my fault I don't voice out and swallow the sadness in me every year.

What do people normally do in the New Year Eve? From the movie, from what other have told me, New Year Eve's celebration's scene should look like following, right?

1. A few good friends get together , having a good meal and good chat over a few glasses of wine or coca cola or tea and coffee, and then cheers to the count down time and wishing everybody happy new year. - never in my life time.

2. Go for a nice short trip as a couple, just enjoy a simple night out at a restaurant, nothing fancy, then  cheers with other guests and wishing each other at the countdown. - never in my life time.

3. Just sitting at home with the family and watching the fire work from the window and hugs each other and kiss each other at count down time - never done.

There are still many simple celebration pictures in my head and I couldn't think of anyone which I could place myself into.

I feel sorry and miserable that we had to leave the girls to someone else when they were kids, were young so that we can work in the restaurant on every new year eve. So in result, when they grew older and now they are adult, they never have to plan any celebration with me and their dad. If we even do it together, I guess it would be a shock for them. 

So, if I could have a few last wishes in my life time, I wish that I would have a chance to really celebrate A New Year Eve with my good friends, my girls, or go somewhere else instead of preparing the count down party for my guests, then when they go out to watch the firework and cheering to each other while I am cleaning up the dinning tables, cleaning up the wash room at 12.a.m of every last day of the past years. 

Christmas Mood

When my girls were small, we lived in a very small place until year 2006. We never had any Christmas tree in our home because we didn't have any extra place in the living room which happened to be our bedroom too.

Even though we are not Christian, but to celebrate Christmas has become our tradition in Sweden. We always celebrated our Christmas at our beloved neighbour - Mona and Stig's house on Christmas Eve. We had Mona's Christmas lunch at their house, sharing the joy with them and my girls would receive presents from them and their daughter, Annica too. All the Christmas stuff and hand-crafts which Mabel and Julie had made in school ended up being hanged on Mona's Christmas tree instead.

So, when we moved into this apartment in October 2006, we said we must have our own first Christmas tree that year, and we did! Due to my allergy problem, I dared not buy the fresh one, so we bought the plastic tree, which could last longer..and could be used every year :).

We did had a Christmas tree for two years - 2006 and 2007. Year 2008 I was back in Malaysia to take care of my mum, and that was the first time I was not with my family during the Christmas time..and they didn't put the tree up either..Year 2009 Per came and stayed with us during the Christmas time and due to the limited place in the living room, the tree was not up either.

Year 2010 was a sad Christmas because my mum passed away on the 9th of December. I was along in Malaysia and again our plastic tree spent its Christmas in the cold basement for another year. Last year, 2011, Mabel was in London and Julie was in Buxton. Although Julie came back for Christmas but without Mabel, we didn't feel the real Christmas spirit in the air and the poor tree didn't get the chance to be dressed up for the season either.

Finally, this year, this Christmas, this month, the plastic tree got the chance to come out from the basement and got dressed with the lights and shines in the living room again, and so are all the other Christmas stuff. I hope mum and dad could feel my Christmas mood and be happy for me! I miss them much sometimes but I am not sad any more.

Now.. waiting for Julie's home return patiently for another three days, then family movie night and all the friends' gathering with food and laughter in the coming weeks.

Merry Christmas to me and to all of you! Hugs

Getting ready for dress-up!

Never too much bling-bling

 I forgot which boyfriend gave me this bear,  I took it home from Malaysia recently..A perfect deco to my tree

Luckily I save this piece of work from Mabel. I have to ask her  when did she made it.

A handmade gift from Jean, my dear English friend.

One of my favourite, the bling-bling dragonfly!

Julie's friend gave her this.

An extra one at the balcony. This was used last year so I cannot abandon it.

One of my old favourite Xmas cards from Mona

On the table in the living room

At the entrance - Mabel made that big heart.

My hall way - Mabel made that red Santa in school when she was very small.

 Christmas presents from their uncle John to my girls when they were children.

A new addition this year. I bought this at the second hand market.

With the small  cosy lights

With the blink blink colourful light bolls 

Handmade cards are beautiful!

My kitchen

28-07-2012 and 29-07-2012

Day 6  Saturday 28.07.2012

Helen came to Sunny's house to bring me for breakfast, and then we went to her place for durian. Sad to  know about her mum's situation hope that her mother will recover very soon.

Still couldn't sleep tied at night... Jiu Mu's (Sunny's mother) sleepless night influenced me.  I am also very worried about her health condition.

Day 7  Sunday  29.07.2012

Went for lunch with Lisa's family and Johnny's family. I found out that the past 14 months they didn't met up at all. I am glad because of me everyone find their time to get together.
I was really happy now we all have times to be together and having fun with the chitchat and laughing!
Johnny brought us to a restaurant for roasted duck, which is owned by his friend.
Johnny's treat! Thanks Johnny :)

At night I have Mary took care of my dinner. She is really very good in what she is doing. I really admire her abilities and her success in her business.  I hope she takes good care of her health though....

25/7/2012 - 26/7/2012

Day 4       Wednesday

Cita came early in the morning and she cleaned up all the bathrooms - spotless, how nice!

While looking at the house spotless and as clean as always like the old time, I thought of mum would be  very pleased to see this! Unfortunately we killed a few spiders, sorry....

The husband to the aunty from Taiwan who stayed at the back of our house got lung cancer and was admitted to the ICU in the hospital. She was upset and indecisive, just like me for 14 months ago, I totally understand her feelings and and I hope that uncle will recover soon...

AnQi came for a visit in the evening. She bought fried mee for me. She is also moving soon.

At night the couple who wants to buy my house came. The moment of facing the reality. I really hope that mum would understand why I want to sell the house. I cannot rely on my cousin brothers and sisters to take care of the house for me all the time. Everyone has their own life to busy with, how could they always help me then?

I am really angry why a house that facing a road is hard to be sold out? It's scary how the belief of custom and Feng Shui is baffling people's mind!

Day 5 Thursday

Overnight at Sunny's house. Chlóe has grown up much, a bit more mature, so cute!

2012年7月24日

Day 3  Tuesday

Life without a few hours computer time after 3 days here was actually not that bad. Actually what I need to have a computer is for checking my e-mails only. Fortunately Sunny drove me to his boss's house to check mails and that was enough.

There is far too much dust at home, tomorrow I am going to ask the maid "Ah Hei" to come and clean up.

Lao Da (Sunny) didn't overnight here tonight. Finally I got the chance to unpack my luggage.

* The following part was written the next day..cause I was in a little chock and had a weird feeling and too tired to write that night...

While I was unpacking, I hanged a small plastic bag on a hanger but then it was blown away by the fan and ended up under the dusty bed. I took a look down there. Due to my fear to dust allergy I dared not took it out from there, so I decided to leave it there. I turned back and continued unpacking other stuff , and I tied another small plastic bag to the rope near the wall. Actually I was thinking of using these small plastic bag as a dustbin.

After a while when I was thinking to throw away some small papers and turned myself to the second plastic, I was the first plastic bag was hanged back nicely at the hanger. I thought back and  really didn't pick up the first plastic bag...

Mum really came back to see me but I wasn't afraid at all, kind of weird. After all she didn't have the intention to scare me, she just wanted to help out...

2012年7月23日

Day 2  Monday 

We went to visit the third aunty (my mum's third brother's wife) first, then we went to "bai bai" dad and mum.

Outside the temple Zheng Jue Lin,  I suppressed my feeling while I was walking into the temple. Mum and dad should know I am back here. 

Because we went to Johnny's place, and then did some errands at other places after we left the temple, and when we reached home, surprising we saw the key chain was hanged at the outside of the middle gate. Sunny insisted he locked the key chain at the inside of the gate when we left the house this morning. This was one of the routine/regulations set by mum to everyone who has stayed in our house. I called around and asked everyone who has our house keys, and nobody has been there when we were out.. so that must be mum's way of welcoming me home then..

Sunny said the same thing too..

We went to buy durians in the evening. Sunny wanted to eat the best quality one, so we ended up bought home three good variety of durians (total 60 ringgits) , they were sooo yammy that I couldn't forget the taste in my mouth! 

Durian with heart shapes, so cool！

2012年7月22日

Day 1 Sunday 2012.07.22

After one year and two months, finally I am back to my old house again, as if I had a dream. The return of this trip brought along with me another kind of feeling.

Sunny offered to stay back to keep me company. Well, better that way, otherwise I don't know how to spend this night.

The first thing to do tomorrow morning is to go and "bai bai" dad and mum, and tell them I have sold the house...but I don't know how should I tell them?

Well it seems like I should get a good sleep instead... I really have to pack this time...

日记

中学时超爱写写东写写西的打发时间和发泄情绪， 但是我从来都不写日记。没那个耐心，也觉得哪有那么多天天可以发牢骚的东西写。来到瑞典后的日子是在忙着扮演妈妈，工人，老婆的角色中度过的，连以前的爱好都放弃了，更不用说写什么日记。说实在，现在我有时会后悔没有养成写日记的习惯，好多记忆里的事务都模糊了， 有时只能靠照片和孩子们所记得的事情来唤起回忆。

很多人都认为搬家和卖屋子是我们人生里的其中一件大事。那倒是的。是一个要下很大决心去做的事。所以轮到我五个月前，必须要面对卖掉爸妈留给我的屋子的抉择时，我天生不能拿定主意的性格一直左右着我，让我好烦躁，再加上身边一些左右我做决定的干扰，让我更加不能做决定。还好，我最终能定下心情，问问我心里要的是什么，所以下了决心买了机票飞回去老家，开始我三个月的收拾，收拾妈妈留下来的杂物和纪念品，和整理我一直没带过来瑞典的东西，里面有我童年和少女青春期的梦和回忆。

为了让我的女儿以后了解我这三个月的心情，如果她们有兴趣知道的话，再加上发觉自己的记忆力越来越差，我又下了另一个决心， 一定要把这三个月的过程记录下来。

我做到了！有些是当天晚上睡觉前写的，有些是过了几天才写的。但都是每一天的记录。

只是有些的记忆只适合留在我的脑海中，不能分享的秘密只能自己一个人知道。

忙吗? 还好..

真的是太没劲了，十月回来到现在，就一直在忙，忙到忘了我这块小天地。。

忙什么自己也说不出来，总之就是一直让时间在做以下的事中溜过去了(除了我周末的工作) 。。。

1. 睡觉
不晓得为什么，从马来西亚回来到现在，每天都想睡觉。但却睡不好，所以每天就想睡

2. 玩手机
我是迟上手的smartphone粉丝。多谢我表哥送我一个，让我开始中毒了。我就知道会中毒，所以迟迟不敢买一个，他不知道我的有潜意识会上玩游戏的瘾，所以买了一个给我玩。这下惨了，我不能睡的时候就玩游戏。这个应该是造成第一个原因的原因之一吧。

3. 上面子书
不能怪我，要怪第二个的原因。 有了智能手机，有拍照狂的我不能自拔地常常要把最新拍到的东西和大家分享。 结果这个也应该是造成第一个原因的原因之一吧。

4. 见朋友喝茶聊天
这是我每次从马来西亚回来后一定要做的事，不然对不起朋友和我自己。

4. 收拾
三个月不在家，厨房又变回我老公的回收station。客厅变成他第二个要开始的垃圾房了。妹妹搬出去后留下房间的东西需要整理。然后从马来西亚寄回来的十一箱东西也到了，所以收拾成了我回来后几乎每天都在做的事，(叫老公收拾他自己的东西没有什么进展，下个星期要和他摊牌了)， 做到生气烦时，就放下一切，忙回上面1，2，3 和4 的事。

要好好调整一下生活了，不能再这样下去。。。现在就去梦中想一想，该怎么做..

到家了

马来西亚的家终于成为历史和回忆了。我把所有能寄的，能带的回忆统统都装进了箱子里，把它们寄回来瑞典。我终于可以放下多年来对马来西亚的挂念和担忧，带着释然，平静和快乐的心情，回到我在瑞典的家。

昨天老公和女儿并没站在arrival hall等我。以前的我一定不爽或生气了。现在的我知道，他们一定在车上争执谁刚才在等谁，结果他们才没有准时到。想到这里我就摇头心里发笑，继续玩我的新电话上的游戏，反正他们会到就是了。后来妹妹在车上告诉我，她和她爸爸真的是如我所说一样 。你看，我就知道。

 然后，当我回到家，一进门就看到走廊的镜子上的留言，让我感动。。。

妹妹的贴心，贴在走廊上的字条，让我感动。。

 然后在面子书上再读到妹妹的感想留言：
“ In efforts for Doris' home arrival tomorrow, my father has cleaned up his mess on the kitchen table and I've vacuumed! Welcome home mom! :D ♥”

老公知道我最不能忍受饭桌上堆积到一大堆纸张广告传单和他的工具，连一个可以吃饭的空间都没有。还好他还记得，而且还买了一束玫瑰给我，欢迎我的归来。

老公欢迎我回到家的礼物

回到家的感觉是无法形容的: 那熟悉的味道，家具，属于自己的空间和事物，能让你整个轻松下来，你可以随性随意地换衣服，甚至连放个屁都可以很释然地，没有拘束了。。

回来前，每个我认识的人， 每个亲戚朋友，都感叹地问了我同样的一个问题：“屋子卖了，以后你就不会常回来了，对吗？ 不知道什么时候能再见到你了。。。”

我要告诉大家，虽然在马来西亚我已没有家，但那始终是我长大的地方，我的童年，我的少年，还有我的很多爱情故事都是在马来西亚串成的，不管我身在何处，我的内心始终会保持一个空间给我的马来西亚心，让它和马来西亚的亲朋戚友的心连在一起的。

Mother's Love

As a woman, I can really say this, you will never know how a mother's love is until you yourself become one.

It's time to go back to Malaysia to pack down mum's stuff... I left the house without giving away any of mum's beautiful clothes and mum's kitchen equipment. Some people asked for keeping mum's plates but I didn't give them all. I need to feel I am home when I reach home again next time.

I will be home again in Butterworth in three days time.At the old time, this moment at the other side of the world, mum would be so excited and busy of arranging things. She would ask the maid to take out all my clothes and towels for washing. She would change the bed sheet and fresh up my bedroom, waiting eagerly for my home return. She would have prepared the food which I love to eat on my arrival day.
At the same time, at my side here in Gothenburg, I would be busy shopping for stuff she wanted me to bring home as presents for neighbors and friends who have always helped her.

Today, I went for shopping anyway even though I didn't get the shopping list from mum anymore. I bought her favorite sour candy. There are cousins who like this candy too because of mum's sharing with them. On my way home, I thought of my bedroom in Malaysia which will not have any freshly washed bed sheets and my clothes waiting for me anymore, I felt so sad....

Gladly when I got home in the evening, there was a bedroom for me to tidy up. Mabel's room. Mabel decided to come back later, after I leave. I guess she doesn't want to say goodbye to me.. or perhaps she is angry with me because I'm going away for three months. She really need those extra 10 days for her relaxing and happiness, I understand. Well, I'm happy she stays back in Spain. Then I don't have to feel bad for leaving her with her dad on Friday. The only way I can comfort her is to let her come home to a clean bedroom with the new changed and washed bed sheets and pillow cases, and to a no-dust and tidy computer table.

Well, I have prepared some food for her in the freezer too. The different between 'me and mum' and 'me and Mabel' is, mum knew I don't know how to cook, so she cooked for me. Mabel is good in cooking though and so she doesn't really have any mummy's favorite that she is grieving for. I still made some just in case she is hungry in the middle of the night while she is watching a midnight show. I hope she got the love message though, just like I got my mum's...

Love you, mum...   爱                 永 恒 的 爱，
Love you, Mabel...            你                        永 无 止 境。。

Love you too, Jules...  and all my female friends and relatives.    

Hope our man, our boyfriend, our son understand a mother/woman's love too. Love you too, guys!

心灵治疗法之四

我妈妈生前的嗜好之一， 种花。她就是有一双把树木变得绿油油的魔术手。我来瑞典后的那么多年里，总是无法把家里小小的花和树养大。买回来时是有茂盛的，过了一些日子就变秃头了。

 最近这三年，因为不必再为孩子操太多的心，能把多余的心思和时间放在我的新嗜好上，就是照顾蓝花和把鲜花变干花。我终于捉到妈妈养花的小秘诀了， 对花要有耐心和爱心。如妈妈今日还在的话，希望她会欣慰我已学到她的一点点功夫了。

经过喧闹的周末工作日，星期天是我培养耐心的一日。疲惫的身体需要放松，我需要平静的空间来安静一下我的职业病－耳鸣，我需要一个自我的空间，把在工作上和老公争执时的气平息一下。弄弄花是填满这个空间的心灵处方。暂时家里的兰花都没开花，也还没找着旧的照片挡案，所以暂时没有兰花的照片分享。只有干花。

以下的是大前天，星期天放工回家的路上和回到家后，所拍的。

在回家的路上，凌晨四点钟 

经过一个教堂。。。像什么？？

早上六点半，早该去睡觉的了，却舍不得错过那么明媚的早晨！
躺在客厅沙发上享受外面的美景和凌静的一刻。

2012。06。03收到的花束。变成干花了！放在露台上。

Add caption

楼下的草场

另一种干花

我露台上的装饰品 

心灵治疗法之三

认识我的人都知道我老娘生来爱唱歌，也幸好我有这个自我娱乐的嗜好，再加上我有个天时地利的职业 －卡拉okDJ， 让我可以每个周末独乐乐和众乐乐。 虽然唱得不好，可是我喜欢唱歌时可以呐喊的感觉。日本人不是很压抑吗？所以他们才发明了卡拉OK，来发泄心头的闷气，抒发不平衡的心情。

前天晚上一个客人都没有，我可真的是独乐乐了。我能在瑞典熬过那么多年的冬天，克服那么多年的精神压力，我该记卡拉OK一个大功！我希望我能拥有像Tina Turner和 Madonna 一样的魄力和活力，继续唱歌。要达到那个境界，首先，先把身上的三层肥肉去了，把身体练到好像她们的身材，然后每天练歌跳舞做瑜伽。有管用吗？不知道，不过没试试看，怎知道呢？好！ 就把这个当作改变自己的出发点，加油！

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j63PxWklCt4&feature=youtu.be

心灵治疗法之二

另一个可以让我忘掉悲伤的，忘掉不愉快的心情药膏， 是会增加得胆固醇过高的风险的！谁管得着，反正心情压抑着而不开心得忧郁症的风险更高。 知道是什么吗？ 看看下面的图片你应该就明白了吧？煮一煮，吃一吃，心情就好多了。（不是一次煮那么多啦，这是在不同的时间弄出来的，反正就是解决思念我的两个宝贝之苦的方案之一咯！）

里面包的是老公拿手的叉烧肉，一级棒！

breakfast - omelet 

breakfast

spinach & lax pie

Blueberry and banana smoothie - 

Mini donuts with kaya filling

Nudlar with prawns and chicken in garlic and fish sauce,
sweet chili sauce at the side.
凉拌的面条