I am fine, I guess. Yes, I am. Besides dreamt of my mum something, besides missing my girls so much, I have to say that I am doing pretty okay.
Honestly, I have to deal with the swinging of my mood sometimes, I have to control myself not to think about my guilt that I indirectly have caused my mom's death because I left her being lonely in Malaysia, I have to stop feeling sorry that she suffered with the deep depression and I didn't even notice that. I have to sometimes switch channel when I see the scene when the patient said or not even said goodbye at the hospital in the film. I'm dealing with my feeling. I'm facing with my fear of being lonely. I am learning to confront myself.
It has been a while since I came back to Sweden. From the early summer to the early autumn, I have done some stuff, I have enjoyed life in between, I have met friends for good time...so I have nothing to complain about. Life is good and I appreciate it everyday when I wake up in the morning. I told myself I have to enjoy my life for my mum.
The trees are getting ready for changing their dress code. They are getting into the mood to get their beautiful colours in the chilly morning, they just can't wait for showing off their natural beauty and cheer people up. As for me, am I ready to change the colour of my life as the trees?
Yesterday was my 44 years old birthday. How old was I when my mother was 44 years old? I was 17-18 then. I guess that time my mother would never have thought I would leave her and dad behind, and move so far far away from her one day. I was naive and wanted an escape. En Escape from the traditional frame and life style.
After 27 years, it's my turn to feel how my mum felt when I said goodbye to her at the airport. I understand now why after a few times, she never wanted to follow me to the airport again on my departure day. I know now why she always got moody before my leaving. It was not easy to see her only daughter left and then had to wait for another few years to meet up again.
Last week, I got to feel exactly how my mom felt when I sent the girls to the airport. Although England are nearer than Malaysia and I can text or call them easily, or even see them on Skype, although I don't have to wait a few years to meet them, although I can book an air ticket and fly over to England to see them whenever I want, but the missing makes the distance longer. It's the quietness at home that bothers me, it's the loneliness that scares me, it's the emptiness that upset me.
I miss you, mum. I don't have to promise you any more that I would go back to Malaysia end of this year, or beginning next year, or any day or any time at all. I don't have to promise you I would call you next week and then I totally forgot about it and you were waiting and waiting for me to call, and when I really called you would start to scold me on the phone, and then I would get annoyed and avoiding to call you. I am so sorry I sometimes didn't keep my promise. I really regret it so much now that I didn't call you often then.
My girls didn't promise to call me often when they left, but they wanted me to promise them that I would be strong when they are not around. I am the one who has to promise them I would take care of myself and be happy. I have promised them that I would love myself more, and looking for a new path for myself.
It's too late to promise my mom anything now, but it's not too late to promise my girls and myself, I have to be good, I have to feel good!
So, at the age of 44, I have promised myself, I want to be good, I want to do something meaningful.. I want to look at what I have and not to look at what I don't have in my life.
To you, friends and relatives who care and ask me often" How are you?".. My answer is "I am fine. thank you so much for asking." Thanks for your loves and cares, your loves are the energy sources that give me the strength to stay strong too, this year's best birthday presents!
Love.
