I haven't seen morning sun for a while lately. It has been just late sleeping nights, wake up late and watch the sunset instead. I am really getting lazier and lazier.. this is no good, right? So, I woke up this morning at 8.30 a.m. The sun shone through the kitchen brightly and gave me such a wonderful feeling and energy. I was in the good mood to make a nice breakfast. I haven't made this kind of breakfast for a while now.. after the girls moved out.
When was the last time I had to woke up to make breakfast for my girls, rushing them up with their changing, getting ready, eating breakfast and then sent them to school in the terrible morning traffic jam? It seems like all these happened long long time ago...Sometimes I kind of miss those days very much but at the same time I feel kind of relief now, because I can wake up whenever I want without having the "mummy's obligation" feeling that must wake up for my girls.
I guess these really pass down like a generation's habit/stuff/obligation, you can call it whatever you want. This is a mother/father's thing. My mum took very good care of me when I was schooling. She always make sure there was breakfast in the morning before I went to school, lunch when I got home from school, clean school uniform everyday ready for changing. My mum had taught me how to love even though she didn't say it out loud. She would only love me in her heart. Her generation didn't put the three words: "I love you", in their daily conversation. It was the caring, the yelling, the scolding and sometimes the punishment that shown how much they loved you.
I have learned both the good and bad ways from my mum and had applied them in upbringing my girls. I'm proud of myself for the good parenting method I have applied but I feel terribly sorry and ashamed that I had also used the bad methods which had hurt my girls feelings and caused some bad impact to their childhood memories. I am better than my mum in saying "I love you" though, and I have been telling them everyday since they were born...and now even though they don't stay home any more, sometimes we don't talk for a few days, or a month, but it is the "I love you" that always bound our feeling together.
I remembered my mum still punished me with heating when I was 14 years old (The last one too). She hated when I talked back because she thought it was a bad manner. (She told me lately before she passed away, her parents heat her and her sibling a lot too when she was young). I was not allowed to express my own opinion or against her but I did that any way because I was in my teenage rebellion. So, my stubbornness always got me into mum's punishment. But I never hate her. I love my mum.
I have tried so hard not to apply the same method onto my girls when they were young but I couldn't avoid or stop myself for not doing that at all. There were times I lost my tempers when my girls didn't want to listen to me, I used my mum's heating method occasionally which I totally not proud of, and I always cried in silence and felt terrible for my bad action after doing that for my regrets. I'm still feeling bad every time I think about this..Sorry girls..:(
I was learning how to be a good young mum. I have failed in many ways but succeeded in some ways too, such as I let my girls voice out, I let them have their words. I am really pleased and grateful that they don't hate me despite all the yelling, the punishment. I am happy they still say "I love you" to me every time after we finished chatting, ending our sms, or before we say goodbye. Thank you girls!
Sometimes I wonder does saying "I love you" in English sound smoothly and naturally... and saying these three words in Mandarin: "wo ai ni" is more gruffly and unnaturally? When you watch an English or American film, these three words always come out easily in a dialogue, while you might only hear it once or twice in Chinese movie.....Hmmm just a thought..
The morning sun must hit me well..suddenly I got so much thoughts in just one morning...I should wake earlier more often from now so that the sun will give me the energy I need for thinking clearly and be honest to my feelings.
So, don't forget, don't be stingy to say I love you ! 我爱你！to the person you really love, cause it will really cheer them up... especially your parents and your children!
