2011.01.01 GMMXLE (Google"s new year sign)
Woke up at 8.30a.m. with a smell of the fragrance of the sandalwood in the air...was mom in the room last night? The smell that always filled the house when mom prayed to the God..
Every morning I wake up with the thoughts what should I do today? Life seems so meaningless now at 12 Lorong Riang when mom is no longer here. I got used to have mom with me everytime I came back here, but now the house is left with only me, the tortist Ah Gui and the cat Ah Hon.
Ah Gui got her bath yesterday by Lina Jie Jie, and Ah Gui got pissed off because she was being cleaned..she refused to eat her meal today..poor her..if mom was here, Ah Gui would have eaten her meal.
Ah Hon was waiting at the frontyard when I opened the wooden door this morning. He was amazingly puncture..always come back at 8a.m and 4p.m. for his meal. I never asked mom how did she told him to do that. Mom could have taught many people how to be puncture as Ah Hon.
Well sorrylah Ah Hon, I cannot just jump out from my bed everyday before 8a.m and feed you in time you know, I have a life too, so somedays you have to wait. I dont have the time and patience as our mommy...
STILL refuse to clear up my mom's stuff. Why hurry? With the thoughts of leaving the house and everything behind and go back to Sweden first? I can't bare it..the thoughts are tooooo heavy... To find peace in my mind, I copy criptures for my mom. It calms me down. Set my mind in peace. I told William about it cause he keeps asking me what I am doing everyday. Then William doubts me. He really cannot imaging I am doing that. What makes the different what he thinks? He always doubtful in whatever i do anyway, so it doesnt bother me anymore what he thinks..
I am going to Alor Star with Ah Hong tonight. I really do hope mom sipiritually following me since she never made it to SuYin's salong before.
I have written seven pages of the Heart Sutra. William asked me would they really help. I told him I dont know. I am not God or Buddha, but if I really believe that it can help my mom to go to a better world than this world in any way by doing that, I will do it for her. I guess he cannot bare the thoughts that I might go into buddism or become very religious after this, and then I will no longer have lust. He will go crazy if I dont have any lust anymore..well too bad if he is worrying about this.
This is how I am feeling right now, nothing is much more important than doing something good and meaningful for my mom. Although this may sound silly and too late now, but sipirtually if I can do something for my mom so that she could rest in peace, even though it is like a 0.0000000001% chance to get her go to that better place, i will do...
2011.01.05 23.00
Not a good day today. Skyped with William twice and both time ended up with he hanged up on me, as usual..why? cause he can never have a good chat with me and listen carefully to what I have to say...not in the mood to write anymore about today..
2011年5月15日星期日
LOOKING BACK..
It is time to go back to Sweden. It's really the countdown time. People keep asking me if I am ready. The truth is I am not really ready to leave, but as what Mabel has told me four months ago, she said "You cannot let thing on hold in Sweden, mom!" So, I have to be ready to leave.
While packing down my mom's beautiful clothes into boxes in the past few days, my teardrops didn't fall down anymore. I was amazingly calm while clearing stuff at home until I found my diary just now, which was covered by dust at the little courner of my room. Oh ya, I almost forgot about it. I was thinking to "talk" to it everyday during my stay but well it never happened. I had a deep sigh and opened the diary. It's supposed to be a journal of my daily life in Butterworth during my stay for the past few months, but so embarrassing, I had only written two and a quarter days.
I am ready to share these two and a quarter days here as my memory and love to my mom. I don't know why I wrote it in English at the beginning..so it will stay as the original..
2010.12.31 New Year Eve Time 22.00
Feeling so weired sitting all by myself in this big empty living room without my beloved mom. I keep looking around me, reflashing my memories when I was here with her in June, July and half August. I showed her some chinese old songs fromYoutube, I played funny animals videos to cheer her up.We always watched the 7pm Chinese series, 8pm Chinese News, We shared supper and fruits. Sometimes we would watch the TV all the way to 10pm series. I knew mom was very tired by that time, but she insisted to stay up and watched finish with me. i knew why she did that. She wanted to spend every presious moment and minute together with me...
I am feeling so hurt inside me right now that tonight I am not able to kiss her goodnight anymore. So sorry that I cannot help her with the blanket, put the blanket on her and say see you tomorrow mom anymore.. I miss you so much, MOM! I hope you are in in a better place now, no more suffering no more pain. You know what, mom, What I have now is the MTV Music Award on TV, and a lot of SMS New Year Eve greeting from friends and relatives that keep me company tonight. I am feeling better and calm with the noise from the TV and all the thoughtful sms.. and ya, and my tenant too, Ah Hong who didnt go party and went to sleep early on the new year eve night.
Dolly:
Have a Blessed, Healthy, Peaceful, Lovely and Wonderful Bunny Ear...ooops Year! Love you always.
Sin Huat: Happy New Year! May 2011 mark the beginning of a tidal wave of love, happiness and bright futures.
Erik Tan:
2011 is coming. May the good times and treasures of the present become the golden memories of tomorrow. May yours would be filled with warmth and good cheer throughtout the year, HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Mimmi:
May the peace and love of God be with you and guide you in all that you do. Have a great New year and God bless you
Aunty Bi Lan:
I do miss your mom and that's life.Do take care of yourself and Happy New Year.
Mike:
You must enjoy yourself too, no matter what, we are one big family. Happy New Year and have a great 2011
Dennis:
Happy New Year! LOOK FORWARD
Helen:
Doris, you can make it the best after today
Lisa:
I am wishing you have a new beginning of this coming year. Finally you can put down the burden that you carried for your momfrom your shoulders. From now you can do whatever you want. We are supporting you always, my dear cousin sister!
Fu Sin:
I am wishing you be happy in this new year, I hope you are able to walk pass this difficult time, Keep it up.
And many more.....
Oops It is 12a.m. already. Let me countdown together with the TV show..that's not too bad though.. I am looking forward to have a new start of my relationship with William. Would it happen? How to make it happen? Will it work?
To be continued....
While packing down my mom's beautiful clothes into boxes in the past few days, my teardrops didn't fall down anymore. I was amazingly calm while clearing stuff at home until I found my diary just now, which was covered by dust at the little courner of my room. Oh ya, I almost forgot about it. I was thinking to "talk" to it everyday during my stay but well it never happened. I had a deep sigh and opened the diary. It's supposed to be a journal of my daily life in Butterworth during my stay for the past few months, but so embarrassing, I had only written two and a quarter days.
I am ready to share these two and a quarter days here as my memory and love to my mom. I don't know why I wrote it in English at the beginning..so it will stay as the original..
2010.12.31 New Year Eve Time 22.00
Feeling so weired sitting all by myself in this big empty living room without my beloved mom. I keep looking around me, reflashing my memories when I was here with her in June, July and half August. I showed her some chinese old songs fromYoutube, I played funny animals videos to cheer her up.We always watched the 7pm Chinese series, 8pm Chinese News, We shared supper and fruits. Sometimes we would watch the TV all the way to 10pm series. I knew mom was very tired by that time, but she insisted to stay up and watched finish with me. i knew why she did that. She wanted to spend every presious moment and minute together with me...
I am feeling so hurt inside me right now that tonight I am not able to kiss her goodnight anymore. So sorry that I cannot help her with the blanket, put the blanket on her and say see you tomorrow mom anymore.. I miss you so much, MOM! I hope you are in in a better place now, no more suffering no more pain. You know what, mom, What I have now is the MTV Music Award on TV, and a lot of SMS New Year Eve greeting from friends and relatives that keep me company tonight. I am feeling better and calm with the noise from the TV and all the thoughtful sms.. and ya, and my tenant too, Ah Hong who didnt go party and went to sleep early on the new year eve night.
Dolly:
Have a Blessed, Healthy, Peaceful, Lovely and Wonderful Bunny Ear...ooops Year! Love you always.
Sin Huat: Happy New Year! May 2011 mark the beginning of a tidal wave of love, happiness and bright futures.
Erik Tan:
2011 is coming. May the good times and treasures of the present become the golden memories of tomorrow. May yours would be filled with warmth and good cheer throughtout the year, HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Mimmi:
May the peace and love of God be with you and guide you in all that you do. Have a great New year and God bless you
Aunty Bi Lan:
I do miss your mom and that's life.Do take care of yourself and Happy New Year.
Mike:
You must enjoy yourself too, no matter what, we are one big family. Happy New Year and have a great 2011
Dennis:
Happy New Year! LOOK FORWARD
Helen:
Doris, you can make it the best after today
Lisa:
I am wishing you have a new beginning of this coming year. Finally you can put down the burden that you carried for your momfrom your shoulders. From now you can do whatever you want. We are supporting you always, my dear cousin sister!
Fu Sin:
I am wishing you be happy in this new year, I hope you are able to walk pass this difficult time, Keep it up.
And many more.....
Oops It is 12a.m. already. Let me countdown together with the TV show..that's not too bad though.. I am looking forward to have a new start of my relationship with William. Would it happen? How to make it happen? Will it work?
To be continued....
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