Come home safely..

It's almost 6 o'clock in the morning. I didn't wake up early.

I didn't sleep. I couldn't sleep well because I was waiting for Mabel's sms to inform me about her departure. Yes! My baby girl is coming home in 4 hours time! 5 months in London and she is sad to leave this lively big city. I understand her because I like the city as well.

I dusted off Mabel's room and changed new bed sheet for her yesterday. William asked me twice yesterday: Remember to ask Mabel what she wants to eat for lunch/dinner when she gets home. I didn't ask Mabel though because I wanted him to cook something homy and surprise her instead. He did that last night. I hope it's Mabel's favorite.

Here is the thing. Mei and Ju grow up with daddy's cooking, most of the time. They just enjoy his food and never really tell me exactly which dishes they like the most cause there are a few which are their favorites and some they don't like. Now they know how to cook only the food their daddy doesn't know how to cook. Any how, last night he cooked the Chinese fish and chicken porridge with ginger.

While sitting in the dark living room just now, I realized I was doing exactly the same thing my mom did before I reached home in the past. Mom always made sure the maid washed up all the bed sheets, towels and my clothes which I would wear every time I was home. She would do this like 3 days before my family's arrival. She would also changed the curtain in my old room and started to plan what she wanted to cook for our arrival day.

I could feel how excited mom was over the phone when I told her our departure date from Sweden. My cousin sister told me mom would smile and so cheerful everyday from that moment I told her the date. Mom would be waiting for us impatiently with sleepless nights until our arrival. Just like how I feel every time I'm waiting for my girls to come home.

The different is mom always reminded me a few times not to forget to give her a call before we left Sweden's home so that she would pray to the Buddha for our safe journey, but I don't ask the girls to call me because they know I would wait impatiently for their sms and they will automatically text me.

I remember the first time (1990) when we brought Julie home to meet mom and dad. Mom and my cousins came to airport to greet our arrival. Julie was 4 and a half month old. I guess I don't need to describe the moment when she saw us and people would know how gleeful that moment was for her more than anybody else there!
This trip, William and I left Julie with mom after our one month's stay. Julie spent one and a half year grown up with mom and dad and my relatives. One of the most regretful things I have even done in my life because I have missed Julie's important first year! On the other hand that was of course great for the grandmom to have her first grandchild all for herself. So, then that was a hard separation for both mom and Julie when I brought Julie home to Sweden in year 1992. As for Julie, Grandmom was her "mom" and I was only the stranger who came in and took her away from her love.

After that, the next trip when we went home (1993) we had Mabel with us too. Mom came to the airport with my cousins. This time I didn't leave Mabel with mom. I stayed with mom and dad instead, in the longest period for the first time after my marriage. The girls and I were there for 8 months. I got so much help from mom, my aunty (Mike's mom) and my cousins. We, three generation, shared our most beautiful memories together under the same roof.

Three years after that (1996) we went home. This time mom didn't come to the airport. She was waiting at home together with dad. She said she couldn't bare the thought to leave dad alone at home cause dad was already sick that time. That year William and I had enjoyed our one week's post honeymoon in Los Angeles because mom could help us to take care of the girls. Sadly it was the same year we lsot William's eldest brother, Stephan just before our departure back to Sweden.

Since that year every time we went home mom never came to the airport to wait for us anymore according to her because of her old age and health condition. She would still prepare food though, mostly supper for us though because most of the time we arrived at night until that one exception time in November year 2010. No yummy welcoming home supper waiting for me at home anymore except the silent and emptiness in the house with the lonely Ahgui (the tortoise) and Ahhong (the cat).

Here I am, don't have to worry for my mom or make my mom worrying for me anymore. When the memories emerged inside my head I still feel the pain and missing mom's endless love. I didn't appreciate much for all the loves she gave to me because I was so busy with my own family life in Sweden. I didn't have much time for her when she needed me the most.

I don't want to worry for my girls. I want to make a different. I want them to be happy and find their own path. I´m proud they know how to take care of themselves now.

I would be very happy and feel relief in future whenever they are tired after flying around the world, they would know how find their way home.
I want them to know when they get tired of the merciless in the outside world later in life, there is always an endless love waiting for them at home.

Still so much to say but I guess I have to get ready soon. Morning has broken. It's cold outside. It takes time to put on many layers. Then wake William up. In one and a half hour time, we are going to pick Mabel up. Oh ya, we have to stop at a big supermarket on our way. A bouquet of flowers to welcome her home will cheer her up.

要学做一个开心女人

今天在面子书上，读到这一段要学做一个开心女人的理由！

“开心的女人一定有自信，开心的女人一定聪明，开心的女人一定豁达大度，开心的女人一定是笑口常开，开心的女人一定女人味十足。开心是一种精神滋补。美丽的心情成就美丽的日子，美丽的日子串成一串，就积成美丽的人生，拥有美丽的人生，无论年华几许，一个很开心的女人通常不会太丑。───其實開心男人也一樣。”

自信 － 我没有，我身边的男人不鼓励也不讚赏我，让我觉得自己很渺小，所以我不开心。不过，最近已学会自己鼓励自己和讚赏自己，还有发掘自己的长处，信心慢慢地膨涨了。

聪明 － 我没有， 因为我并不成功，我并没赚很多很多钱，还有我身边的男人常常说我很笨，所以我不开心。最近我在想，他知道我苯可却还继续跟一个苯女人在一起，想想他不是比我更苯吗？

豁达大度 － 还好这个我有，从小被爸妈灌输的思想和态度，我可以随心所欲做我喜欢做的事和帮助朋友们，所以我开心。

笑口常开 － 以前不懂得这个道理，现在开始懂了，所以可以看到我的樱桃小嘴开了， 还有看到我那有缝的牙齿了。

女人味十足 －这个嘛，不是我自己可以评论的。。。喜欢我的人该会认为我是吧，讨厌我的人，无论我多有女人味，我想她们也嗅不到。（用”她们“是因为同性相拒的原理。）

我每天在努力中了，一定要把开心的日子串成我美丽的人生！加油！

胡言乱语。。随心说亦。。。

别再让人告诉你你该怎么做人，你自己应该告诉自己该怎么做人！

情人节太假了，如果你爱一个人，可以一年365／366天表示你爱他／她，不必等到每年的二月十四号！

你年老并不保证你是成熟的！

女人费劲在出席隆重场时穿上她最漂亮的衣裳是给女人看的，男人要看的是没有穿衣服的女人！

我喜欢你微笑的时候，但是我更加喜欢我是你微笑的原因！

请不要随便衡量别人，你只是看到那个人想给你看的一面！

爱情是：我很爱你，为什么你不能像我爱你一样那么爱我？

爱情来时就像大地震把你震荡得无法控制你的动作，动荡过后，而你发觉你侥幸地活了下来，从此你对爱情观的看法就会彻底改变了！

我胡言又乱语，你难道从来不会吗？ 让你的心开怀就好，管别人怎么对你胡思乱想！

零下12度的凌晨

我惊觉自己原来越来越懒得上来这里歇息了。。原因何在？

没有时间吗？有啊。。有时间上面子书就该有时间到这里写些什么的。。不是最好的理由！

在这寒气逼人的凌晨，我突然想发发牢骚，想谈谈天气，然后才惊觉我已经好久没上来透透气了。我把之前的心情看了一遍，终于找到原因了。

自从去年从马来西亚回来到现在，我的心情的起伏并不大，有时甚至平淡如水，没有波浪的心海，平静而没有涟漪的思潮荡不起写写东西的心情。这应该是件好事吧。妈妈的事让我对人对事的看法完全改变了。以前的执着换成现在的荡然，结果好多复杂的事可以被我看成是不过如此而已了，学会了把负面的事情看成正面，心情也一样跟着往正确的方向抒发 ＝ 心情越来越放得下，烦恼也开始离我越来越远！

我很开心在零下12度的今晨，明白到我已并不再需要部落格来发泄我不快乐的心情，从今天起强说愁的心情告白应该要告一段落了，或许我该开拓另一片新的小天地，是种植开心的花和散播快乐的泉源的时候了。。

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