Come home safely..

It's almost 6 o'clock in the morning. I didn't wake up early.

I didn't sleep. I couldn't sleep well because I was waiting for Mabel's sms to inform me about her departure. Yes! My baby girl is coming home in 4 hours time! 5 months in London and she is sad to leave this lively big city. I understand her because I like the city as well.

I dusted off Mabel's room and changed new bed sheet for her yesterday. William asked me twice yesterday: Remember to ask Mabel what she wants to eat for lunch/dinner when she gets home. I didn't ask Mabel though because I wanted him to cook something homy and surprise her instead. He did that last night. I hope it's Mabel's favorite.

Here is the thing. Mei and Ju grow up with daddy's cooking, most of the time. They just enjoy his food and never really tell me exactly which dishes they like the most cause there are a few which are their favorites and some they don't like. Now they know how to cook only the food their daddy doesn't know how to cook. Any how, last night he cooked the Chinese fish and chicken porridge with ginger.

While sitting in the dark living room just now, I realized I was doing exactly the same thing my mom did before I reached home in the past. Mom always made sure the maid washed up all the bed sheets, towels and my clothes which I would wear every time I was home. She would do this like 3 days before my family's arrival. She would also changed the curtain in my old room and started to plan what she wanted to cook for our arrival day.

I could feel how excited mom was over the phone when I told her our departure date from Sweden. My cousin sister told me mom would smile and so cheerful everyday from that moment I told her the date. Mom would be waiting for us impatiently with sleepless nights until our arrival. Just like how I feel every time I'm waiting for my girls to come home.

The different is mom always reminded me a few times not to forget to give her a call before we left Sweden's home so that she would pray to the Buddha for our safe journey, but I don't ask the girls to call me because they know I would wait impatiently for their sms and they will automatically text me.

I remember the first time (1990) when we brought Julie home to meet mom and dad. Mom and my cousins came to airport to greet our arrival. Julie was 4 and a half month old. I guess I don't need to describe the moment when she saw us and people would know how gleeful that moment was for her more than anybody else there!
This trip, William and I left Julie with mom after our one month's stay. Julie spent one and a half year grown up with mom and dad and my relatives. One of the most regretful things I have even done in my life because I have missed Julie's important first year! On the other hand that was of course great for the grandmom to have her first grandchild all for herself. So, then that was a hard separation for both mom and Julie when I brought Julie home to Sweden in year 1992. As for Julie, Grandmom was her "mom" and I was only the stranger who came in and took her away from her love.

After that, the next trip when we went home (1993) we had Mabel with us too. Mom came to the airport with my cousins. This time I didn't leave Mabel with mom. I stayed with mom and dad instead, in the longest period for the first time after my marriage. The girls and I were there for 8 months. I got so much help from mom, my aunty (Mike's mom) and my cousins. We, three generation, shared our most beautiful memories together under the same roof.

Three years after that (1996) we went home. This time mom didn't come to the airport. She was waiting at home together with dad. She said she couldn't bare the thought to leave dad alone at home cause dad was already sick that time. That year William and I had enjoyed our one week's post honeymoon in Los Angeles because mom could help us to take care of the girls. Sadly it was the same year we lsot William's eldest brother, Stephan just before our departure back to Sweden.

Since that year every time we went home mom never came to the airport to wait for us anymore according to her because of her old age and health condition. She would still prepare food though, mostly supper for us though because most of the time we arrived at night until that one exception time in November year 2010. No yummy welcoming home supper waiting for me at home anymore except the silent and emptiness in the house with the lonely Ahgui (the tortoise) and Ahhong (the cat).

Here I am, don't have to worry for my mom or make my mom worrying for me anymore. When the memories emerged inside my head I still feel the pain and missing mom's endless love. I didn't appreciate much for all the loves she gave to me because I was so busy with my own family life in Sweden. I didn't have much time for her when she needed me the most.

I don't want to worry for my girls. I want to make a different. I want them to be happy and find their own path. I´m proud they know how to take care of themselves now.

I would be very happy and feel relief in future whenever they are tired after flying around the world, they would know how find their way home.
I want them to know when they get tired of the merciless in the outside world later in life, there is always an endless love waiting for them at home.

Still so much to say but I guess I have to get ready soon. Morning has broken. It's cold outside. It takes time to put on many layers. Then wake William up. In one and a half hour time, we are going to pick Mabel up. Oh ya, we have to stop at a big supermarket on our way. A bouquet of flowers to welcome her home will cheer her up.