想不到还会有人有兴趣要拍一个关于我的故事的短片，令我兴奋不已，也让今年的这个秋季增添一点情趣！遗憾的是无法和我母亲分享这个快乐，我知道，如果今天她还在地球的另一边的话，她一定会比我更开心，一定会及不及待地跟亲朋戚友说这件事的。我只能对着妈妈的照片，告诉她这个迟来的喜悦。
I really can't believe someone actually wants to make a short film about my story. This excites me and gives a little bit of pleasure to this year's fall.
Sadly I am not able to share this happiness with my mother. I know if today she is still around at the other side of the earth, she would certainly more excited than me, and she couldn't wait for telling this to friends and relatives. What I can do is looking at her photograph and telling her this belated joy.
我知道短片的名字有点夸张，但那是直接丛瑞典文（Karaoke drottningen) 翻译过来的，我暂时还没想到更谦虚的翻译：）。
说了老半天我还没提到为什么会有人有兴趣要拍为我拍一个短片呢？碍于时间的关系（要去睡觉了啦，不然明早起不来，迟到了却找不着藉口跟我的瑞典教授说）。就此打住！再谈...
I know the name of this short film is a bit exaggerated, but it's translated directly from the Swedish words (The Karaoke Queen). For the time being I haven't figure it out a much more humble Chinese translation yet :).
Oh, Sorry I have been talking for a while now and still haven't come to the point why this someone has the interest to make a short film about my story. Due to the limited of time.. (I have to go to bed now, otherwise I might not wake up in time tomorrow morning, and then I can't find a good excuse to tell the Swedish professor for being late to the class), I have to stop here. To be continued...
Hugs hugs!
2011年10月31日星期一
2011年10月10日星期一
夏季终于还是要跟秋季换班了。2011年10月2日星期日
Happy Menu
I figured it out I have to make a Happy-check-list just in case I forget sometimes.
*Looking at what I have, no for what I don't have! Result: less frustration..
*Don't worry too much! Result : less grey hair..
*Listening to cheerful and fast music! Result: get some condition exercises
*Dress up sometimes with make-ups! Result: Feel pretties and sexier
*Eat a little piece of chocolate! Result: Less sugar craving.
*Ignoring annoying people! Result: That people get annoyed instead of me
*Flirt a little bit! Result: Err.. don't know the result, but I know it's healthy for me to do that cause it's in my nature, as long it's no harm to others.
*Watch Big Bang Theory whenever I have time. Result: Can laugh it out loud.
*Don't skip Chinese Class on Tuesdays night. Result: Won't miss Mats' humorous lessons.
*What more, it's coming... I promise! Right now, I have to watch The Big Bang Theory! Time to make some popcorns first!
Oh ya, before I left, just want to share this song.. MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC! Just a simple song, but great one.
Nobody can tell ya;
There's only one song worth singin'.
They may try and sell ya,
'cause it hangs them up
to see someone like you.
But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sing along.
So if you cannot take my hand,
and if you must be goin',
I will understand.
You're gonna be knowing
the loneliest kind of lonely.
It may be rough goin',
just to do your thing's
the hardest thing to do.
But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sings along.
So if you cannot take my hand,
and if you must be goin',
I will understand.
You gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sings along.
*Looking at what I have, no for what I don't have! Result: less frustration..
*Don't worry too much! Result : less grey hair..
*Listening to cheerful and fast music! Result: get some condition exercises
*Dress up sometimes with make-ups! Result: Feel pretties and sexier
*Eat a little piece of chocolate! Result: Less sugar craving.
*Ignoring annoying people! Result: That people get annoyed instead of me
*Flirt a little bit! Result: Err.. don't know the result, but I know it's healthy for me to do that cause it's in my nature, as long it's no harm to others.
*Watch Big Bang Theory whenever I have time. Result: Can laugh it out loud.
*Don't skip Chinese Class on Tuesdays night. Result: Won't miss Mats' humorous lessons.
*What more, it's coming... I promise! Right now, I have to watch The Big Bang Theory! Time to make some popcorns first!
Oh ya, before I left, just want to share this song.. MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC! Just a simple song, but great one.
Nobody can tell ya;
There's only one song worth singin'.
They may try and sell ya,
'cause it hangs them up
to see someone like you.
But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sing along.
So if you cannot take my hand,
and if you must be goin',
I will understand.
You're gonna be knowing
the loneliest kind of lonely.
It may be rough goin',
just to do your thing's
the hardest thing to do.
But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sings along.
So if you cannot take my hand,
and if you must be goin',
I will understand.
You gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sings along.
2011年9月30日星期五
How am I?
I am fine, I guess. Yes, I am. Besides dreamt of my mum something, besides missing my girls so much, I have to say that I am doing pretty okay.
Honestly, I have to deal with the swinging of my mood sometimes, I have to control myself not to think about my guilt that I indirectly have caused my mom's death because I left her being lonely in Malaysia, I have to stop feeling sorry that she suffered with the deep depression and I didn't even notice that. I have to sometimes switch channel when I see the scene when the patient said or not even said goodbye at the hospital in the film. I'm dealing with my feeling. I'm facing with my fear of being lonely. I am learning to confront myself.
It has been a while since I came back to Sweden. From the early summer to the early autumn, I have done some stuff, I have enjoyed life in between, I have met friends for good time...so I have nothing to complain about. Life is good and I appreciate it everyday when I wake up in the morning. I told myself I have to enjoy my life for my mum.
The trees are getting ready for changing their dress code. They are getting into the mood to get their beautiful colours in the chilly morning, they just can't wait for showing off their natural beauty and cheer people up. As for me, am I ready to change the colour of my life as the trees?
Yesterday was my 44 years old birthday. How old was I when my mother was 44 years old? I was 17-18 then. I guess that time my mother would never have thought I would leave her and dad behind, and move so far far away from her one day. I was naive and wanted an escape. En Escape from the traditional frame and life style.
After 27 years, it's my turn to feel how my mum felt when I said goodbye to her at the airport. I understand now why after a few times, she never wanted to follow me to the airport again on my departure day. I know now why she always got moody before my leaving. It was not easy to see her only daughter left and then had to wait for another few years to meet up again.
Last week, I got to feel exactly how my mom felt when I sent the girls to the airport. Although England are nearer than Malaysia and I can text or call them easily, or even see them on Skype, although I don't have to wait a few years to meet them, although I can book an air ticket and fly over to England to see them whenever I want, but the missing makes the distance longer. It's the quietness at home that bothers me, it's the loneliness that scares me, it's the emptiness that upset me.
I miss you, mum. I don't have to promise you any more that I would go back to Malaysia end of this year, or beginning next year, or any day or any time at all. I don't have to promise you I would call you next week and then I totally forgot about it and you were waiting and waiting for me to call, and when I really called you would start to scold me on the phone, and then I would get annoyed and avoiding to call you. I am so sorry I sometimes didn't keep my promise. I really regret it so much now that I didn't call you often then.
My girls didn't promise to call me often when they left, but they wanted me to promise them that I would be strong when they are not around. I am the one who has to promise them I would take care of myself and be happy. I have promised them that I would love myself more, and looking for a new path for myself.
It's too late to promise my mom anything now, but it's not too late to promise my girls and myself, I have to be good, I have to feel good!
So, at the age of 44, I have promised myself, I want to be good, I want to do something meaningful.. I want to look at what I have and not to look at what I don't have in my life.
To you, friends and relatives who care and ask me often" How are you?".. My answer is "I am fine. thank you so much for asking." Thanks for your loves and cares, your loves are the energy sources that give me the strength to stay strong too, this year's best birthday presents!
Love.
Honestly, I have to deal with the swinging of my mood sometimes, I have to control myself not to think about my guilt that I indirectly have caused my mom's death because I left her being lonely in Malaysia, I have to stop feeling sorry that she suffered with the deep depression and I didn't even notice that. I have to sometimes switch channel when I see the scene when the patient said or not even said goodbye at the hospital in the film. I'm dealing with my feeling. I'm facing with my fear of being lonely. I am learning to confront myself.
It has been a while since I came back to Sweden. From the early summer to the early autumn, I have done some stuff, I have enjoyed life in between, I have met friends for good time...so I have nothing to complain about. Life is good and I appreciate it everyday when I wake up in the morning. I told myself I have to enjoy my life for my mum.
The trees are getting ready for changing their dress code. They are getting into the mood to get their beautiful colours in the chilly morning, they just can't wait for showing off their natural beauty and cheer people up. As for me, am I ready to change the colour of my life as the trees?
Yesterday was my 44 years old birthday. How old was I when my mother was 44 years old? I was 17-18 then. I guess that time my mother would never have thought I would leave her and dad behind, and move so far far away from her one day. I was naive and wanted an escape. En Escape from the traditional frame and life style.
After 27 years, it's my turn to feel how my mum felt when I said goodbye to her at the airport. I understand now why after a few times, she never wanted to follow me to the airport again on my departure day. I know now why she always got moody before my leaving. It was not easy to see her only daughter left and then had to wait for another few years to meet up again.
Last week, I got to feel exactly how my mom felt when I sent the girls to the airport. Although England are nearer than Malaysia and I can text or call them easily, or even see them on Skype, although I don't have to wait a few years to meet them, although I can book an air ticket and fly over to England to see them whenever I want, but the missing makes the distance longer. It's the quietness at home that bothers me, it's the loneliness that scares me, it's the emptiness that upset me.
I miss you, mum. I don't have to promise you any more that I would go back to Malaysia end of this year, or beginning next year, or any day or any time at all. I don't have to promise you I would call you next week and then I totally forgot about it and you were waiting and waiting for me to call, and when I really called you would start to scold me on the phone, and then I would get annoyed and avoiding to call you. I am so sorry I sometimes didn't keep my promise. I really regret it so much now that I didn't call you often then.
My girls didn't promise to call me often when they left, but they wanted me to promise them that I would be strong when they are not around. I am the one who has to promise them I would take care of myself and be happy. I have promised them that I would love myself more, and looking for a new path for myself.
It's too late to promise my mom anything now, but it's not too late to promise my girls and myself, I have to be good, I have to feel good!
So, at the age of 44, I have promised myself, I want to be good, I want to do something meaningful.. I want to look at what I have and not to look at what I don't have in my life.
To you, friends and relatives who care and ask me often" How are you?".. My answer is "I am fine. thank you so much for asking." Thanks for your loves and cares, your loves are the energy sources that give me the strength to stay strong too, this year's best birthday presents!
Love.
2011年5月15日星期日
Continuing looking back..
2011.01.01 GMMXLE (Google"s new year sign)
Woke up at 8.30a.m. with a smell of the fragrance of the sandalwood in the air...was mom in the room last night? The smell that always filled the house when mom prayed to the God..
Every morning I wake up with the thoughts what should I do today? Life seems so meaningless now at 12 Lorong Riang when mom is no longer here. I got used to have mom with me everytime I came back here, but now the house is left with only me, the tortist Ah Gui and the cat Ah Hon.
Ah Gui got her bath yesterday by Lina Jie Jie, and Ah Gui got pissed off because she was being cleaned..she refused to eat her meal today..poor her..if mom was here, Ah Gui would have eaten her meal.
Ah Hon was waiting at the frontyard when I opened the wooden door this morning. He was amazingly puncture..always come back at 8a.m and 4p.m. for his meal. I never asked mom how did she told him to do that. Mom could have taught many people how to be puncture as Ah Hon.
Well sorrylah Ah Hon, I cannot just jump out from my bed everyday before 8a.m and feed you in time you know, I have a life too, so somedays you have to wait. I dont have the time and patience as our mommy...
STILL refuse to clear up my mom's stuff. Why hurry? With the thoughts of leaving the house and everything behind and go back to Sweden first? I can't bare it..the thoughts are tooooo heavy... To find peace in my mind, I copy criptures for my mom. It calms me down. Set my mind in peace. I told William about it cause he keeps asking me what I am doing everyday. Then William doubts me. He really cannot imaging I am doing that. What makes the different what he thinks? He always doubtful in whatever i do anyway, so it doesnt bother me anymore what he thinks..
I am going to Alor Star with Ah Hong tonight. I really do hope mom sipiritually following me since she never made it to SuYin's salong before.
I have written seven pages of the Heart Sutra. William asked me would they really help. I told him I dont know. I am not God or Buddha, but if I really believe that it can help my mom to go to a better world than this world in any way by doing that, I will do it for her. I guess he cannot bare the thoughts that I might go into buddism or become very religious after this, and then I will no longer have lust. He will go crazy if I dont have any lust anymore..well too bad if he is worrying about this.
This is how I am feeling right now, nothing is much more important than doing something good and meaningful for my mom. Although this may sound silly and too late now, but sipirtually if I can do something for my mom so that she could rest in peace, even though it is like a 0.0000000001% chance to get her go to that better place, i will do...
2011.01.05 23.00
Not a good day today. Skyped with William twice and both time ended up with he hanged up on me, as usual..why? cause he can never have a good chat with me and listen carefully to what I have to say...not in the mood to write anymore about today..
Woke up at 8.30a.m. with a smell of the fragrance of the sandalwood in the air...was mom in the room last night? The smell that always filled the house when mom prayed to the God..
Every morning I wake up with the thoughts what should I do today? Life seems so meaningless now at 12 Lorong Riang when mom is no longer here. I got used to have mom with me everytime I came back here, but now the house is left with only me, the tortist Ah Gui and the cat Ah Hon.
Ah Gui got her bath yesterday by Lina Jie Jie, and Ah Gui got pissed off because she was being cleaned..she refused to eat her meal today..poor her..if mom was here, Ah Gui would have eaten her meal.
Ah Hon was waiting at the frontyard when I opened the wooden door this morning. He was amazingly puncture..always come back at 8a.m and 4p.m. for his meal. I never asked mom how did she told him to do that. Mom could have taught many people how to be puncture as Ah Hon.
Well sorrylah Ah Hon, I cannot just jump out from my bed everyday before 8a.m and feed you in time you know, I have a life too, so somedays you have to wait. I dont have the time and patience as our mommy...
STILL refuse to clear up my mom's stuff. Why hurry? With the thoughts of leaving the house and everything behind and go back to Sweden first? I can't bare it..the thoughts are tooooo heavy... To find peace in my mind, I copy criptures for my mom. It calms me down. Set my mind in peace. I told William about it cause he keeps asking me what I am doing everyday. Then William doubts me. He really cannot imaging I am doing that. What makes the different what he thinks? He always doubtful in whatever i do anyway, so it doesnt bother me anymore what he thinks..
I am going to Alor Star with Ah Hong tonight. I really do hope mom sipiritually following me since she never made it to SuYin's salong before.
I have written seven pages of the Heart Sutra. William asked me would they really help. I told him I dont know. I am not God or Buddha, but if I really believe that it can help my mom to go to a better world than this world in any way by doing that, I will do it for her. I guess he cannot bare the thoughts that I might go into buddism or become very religious after this, and then I will no longer have lust. He will go crazy if I dont have any lust anymore..well too bad if he is worrying about this.
This is how I am feeling right now, nothing is much more important than doing something good and meaningful for my mom. Although this may sound silly and too late now, but sipirtually if I can do something for my mom so that she could rest in peace, even though it is like a 0.0000000001% chance to get her go to that better place, i will do...
2011.01.05 23.00
Not a good day today. Skyped with William twice and both time ended up with he hanged up on me, as usual..why? cause he can never have a good chat with me and listen carefully to what I have to say...not in the mood to write anymore about today..
LOOKING BACK..
It is time to go back to Sweden. It's really the countdown time. People keep asking me if I am ready. The truth is I am not really ready to leave, but as what Mabel has told me four months ago, she said "You cannot let thing on hold in Sweden, mom!" So, I have to be ready to leave.
While packing down my mom's beautiful clothes into boxes in the past few days, my teardrops didn't fall down anymore. I was amazingly calm while clearing stuff at home until I found my diary just now, which was covered by dust at the little courner of my room. Oh ya, I almost forgot about it. I was thinking to "talk" to it everyday during my stay but well it never happened. I had a deep sigh and opened the diary. It's supposed to be a journal of my daily life in Butterworth during my stay for the past few months, but so embarrassing, I had only written two and a quarter days.
I am ready to share these two and a quarter days here as my memory and love to my mom. I don't know why I wrote it in English at the beginning..so it will stay as the original..
2010.12.31 New Year Eve Time 22.00
Feeling so weired sitting all by myself in this big empty living room without my beloved mom. I keep looking around me, reflashing my memories when I was here with her in June, July and half August. I showed her some chinese old songs fromYoutube, I played funny animals videos to cheer her up.We always watched the 7pm Chinese series, 8pm Chinese News, We shared supper and fruits. Sometimes we would watch the TV all the way to 10pm series. I knew mom was very tired by that time, but she insisted to stay up and watched finish with me. i knew why she did that. She wanted to spend every presious moment and minute together with me...
I am feeling so hurt inside me right now that tonight I am not able to kiss her goodnight anymore. So sorry that I cannot help her with the blanket, put the blanket on her and say see you tomorrow mom anymore.. I miss you so much, MOM! I hope you are in in a better place now, no more suffering no more pain. You know what, mom, What I have now is the MTV Music Award on TV, and a lot of SMS New Year Eve greeting from friends and relatives that keep me company tonight. I am feeling better and calm with the noise from the TV and all the thoughtful sms.. and ya, and my tenant too, Ah Hong who didnt go party and went to sleep early on the new year eve night.
Dolly:
Have a Blessed, Healthy, Peaceful, Lovely and Wonderful Bunny Ear...ooops Year! Love you always.
Sin Huat: Happy New Year! May 2011 mark the beginning of a tidal wave of love, happiness and bright futures.
Erik Tan:
2011 is coming. May the good times and treasures of the present become the golden memories of tomorrow. May yours would be filled with warmth and good cheer throughtout the year, HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Mimmi:
May the peace and love of God be with you and guide you in all that you do. Have a great New year and God bless you
Aunty Bi Lan:
I do miss your mom and that's life.Do take care of yourself and Happy New Year.
Mike:
You must enjoy yourself too, no matter what, we are one big family. Happy New Year and have a great 2011
Dennis:
Happy New Year! LOOK FORWARD
Helen:
Doris, you can make it the best after today
Lisa:
I am wishing you have a new beginning of this coming year. Finally you can put down the burden that you carried for your momfrom your shoulders. From now you can do whatever you want. We are supporting you always, my dear cousin sister!
Fu Sin:
I am wishing you be happy in this new year, I hope you are able to walk pass this difficult time, Keep it up.
And many more.....
Oops It is 12a.m. already. Let me countdown together with the TV show..that's not too bad though.. I am looking forward to have a new start of my relationship with William. Would it happen? How to make it happen? Will it work?
To be continued....
While packing down my mom's beautiful clothes into boxes in the past few days, my teardrops didn't fall down anymore. I was amazingly calm while clearing stuff at home until I found my diary just now, which was covered by dust at the little courner of my room. Oh ya, I almost forgot about it. I was thinking to "talk" to it everyday during my stay but well it never happened. I had a deep sigh and opened the diary. It's supposed to be a journal of my daily life in Butterworth during my stay for the past few months, but so embarrassing, I had only written two and a quarter days.
I am ready to share these two and a quarter days here as my memory and love to my mom. I don't know why I wrote it in English at the beginning..so it will stay as the original..
2010.12.31 New Year Eve Time 22.00
Feeling so weired sitting all by myself in this big empty living room without my beloved mom. I keep looking around me, reflashing my memories when I was here with her in June, July and half August. I showed her some chinese old songs fromYoutube, I played funny animals videos to cheer her up.We always watched the 7pm Chinese series, 8pm Chinese News, We shared supper and fruits. Sometimes we would watch the TV all the way to 10pm series. I knew mom was very tired by that time, but she insisted to stay up and watched finish with me. i knew why she did that. She wanted to spend every presious moment and minute together with me...
I am feeling so hurt inside me right now that tonight I am not able to kiss her goodnight anymore. So sorry that I cannot help her with the blanket, put the blanket on her and say see you tomorrow mom anymore.. I miss you so much, MOM! I hope you are in in a better place now, no more suffering no more pain. You know what, mom, What I have now is the MTV Music Award on TV, and a lot of SMS New Year Eve greeting from friends and relatives that keep me company tonight. I am feeling better and calm with the noise from the TV and all the thoughtful sms.. and ya, and my tenant too, Ah Hong who didnt go party and went to sleep early on the new year eve night.
Dolly:
Have a Blessed, Healthy, Peaceful, Lovely and Wonderful Bunny Ear...ooops Year! Love you always.
Sin Huat: Happy New Year! May 2011 mark the beginning of a tidal wave of love, happiness and bright futures.
Erik Tan:
2011 is coming. May the good times and treasures of the present become the golden memories of tomorrow. May yours would be filled with warmth and good cheer throughtout the year, HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Mimmi:
May the peace and love of God be with you and guide you in all that you do. Have a great New year and God bless you
Aunty Bi Lan:
I do miss your mom and that's life.Do take care of yourself and Happy New Year.
Mike:
You must enjoy yourself too, no matter what, we are one big family. Happy New Year and have a great 2011
Dennis:
Happy New Year! LOOK FORWARD
Helen:
Doris, you can make it the best after today
Lisa:
I am wishing you have a new beginning of this coming year. Finally you can put down the burden that you carried for your momfrom your shoulders. From now you can do whatever you want. We are supporting you always, my dear cousin sister!
Fu Sin:
I am wishing you be happy in this new year, I hope you are able to walk pass this difficult time, Keep it up.
And many more.....
Oops It is 12a.m. already. Let me countdown together with the TV show..that's not too bad though.. I am looking forward to have a new start of my relationship with William. Would it happen? How to make it happen? Will it work?
To be continued....
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