It's countdown of the year again！ 又是新年倒数的时候！

Man how time flies days after days!

Last year at this time I was lonely and lost my soul in Malaysia. I was mourning for the lost of my beloved mother. I was angry about a lot of things. I was angry about myself why I didn't work hardly to get mom move to Sweden to stay with my family. I was angry my lonely mom couldn't stay longer , didn't give me more chance to let me take care of her. I was angry my husband and my daughters couldn't make it to mom's funeral. I was angry about my marriage, I was angry about my useless, I was lost in many ways...

Now I am looking at myself, one year after, how am I doing?

I put on 2kgs weights again after the hard work of diet 8 months ago, but I still can fit into some sexy dresses.
I am not on vegetable diet anymore but still try eat more vegetables than meat.
I am a mother with two adult daughters and I don't feel I am a mother anymore.
I go back to school and studying some courses which won't give me high chance of job opportunities.
I am getting better in my singing, but not making a career, just as a hobby and for my karaoke job.
I am glad and excited that Anna, the freelance reporter, wanted to make a short short documentary about me. Donno if the documentary will be done next year or not, but I am grateful for her thoughts.
I have made some new friends in school and have picked up a drinking habit - coffee, don't know if it's good or bad but don't care.

At this moment...
I am glad that despite that extra 2kgs, despite the extra fat layers around the waist and the bums, I am still looking good and sexy at the age of 44.
I am glad I have food on the tables and in the fridge.
I am glad I have warm clothes to wear in this blowing and chilling weather.
I am glad I have a apartment for the Xmas decorations.
I am glad Julie came home for Xmas. I am glad Mabel is doing fine in London (although I miss her so very much!).
I am glad I have a husband who helps me to do the dishes everyday even though he doesn't give me sex everyday.
I am glad I have electricity at home and have access to the internet to update my blog while there are many household in Sweden are out of electricity since the Xmas's Eve.
I am glad I have friends to visit in the Xmas.
I am glad I could listen to my favorite music and watch a film whenever I want..

I am glad at this moment cause I have found ways to stop the anger and frustration that bugging inside me. (I am glad Julie has played an angel roll in this process).

LIFE IS GOOD and I appreciate it every moment from now! Wishing my family, all my friends and relatives and myself - Happy New Year!

Taken on the 26th December 2o11, at 4a.m.

卡拉ok 女王 ？？（暂名）

想不到还会有人有兴趣要拍一个关于我的故事的短片，令我兴奋不已，也让今年的这个秋季增添一点情趣！遗憾的是无法和我母亲分享这个快乐，我知道，如果今天她还在地球的另一边的话，她一定会比我更开心，一定会及不及待地跟亲朋戚友说这件事的。我只能对着妈妈的照片，告诉她这个迟来的喜悦。

I really can't believe someone actually wants to make a short film about my story. This excites me and gives a little bit of pleasure to this year's fall.
Sadly I am not able to share this happiness with my mother. I know if today she is still around at the other side of the earth, she would certainly more excited than me, and she couldn't wait for telling this to friends and relatives. What I can do is looking at her photograph and telling her this belated joy.

我知道短片的名字有点夸张，但那是直接丛瑞典文（Karaoke drottningen) 翻译过来的，我暂时还没想到更谦虚的翻译：）。

说了老半天我还没提到为什么会有人有兴趣要拍为我拍一个短片呢？碍于时间的关系（要去睡觉了啦，不然明早起不来，迟到了却找不着藉口跟我的瑞典教授说）。就此打住！再谈...

I know the name of this short film is a bit exaggerated, but it's translated directly from the Swedish words (The Karaoke Queen). For the time being I haven't figure it out a much more humble Chinese translation yet :).

Oh, Sorry I have been talking for a while now and still haven't come to the point why this someone has the interest to make a short film about my story. Due to the limited of time.. (I have to go to bed now, otherwise I might not wake up in time tomorrow morning, and then I can't find a good excuse to tell the Swedish professor for being late to the class), I have to stop here. To be continued...

Hugs hugs!

秋愁

夏季终于还是要跟秋季换班了。

烟波林野中的树儿
每天忙着要换上艳红的衣裳，

而秋风却每天急不及待地
要把它们的绿叶先催黄。

昨夜秋雨嚎嚎大哭了整个晚上，

今晨往学校的路上

铺满了被秋雨摧残的落红。

许多赤裸裸的树儿

无奈地竖立在路的两旁。

秋意浓浓地拥抱着大地，

树儿们躲不过寒风的骚扰，

就像困扰着我心头的秋愁，

怎么挥都挥不去。。。

Happy Menu

I figured it out I have to make a Happy-check-list just in case I forget sometimes.

*Looking at what I have, no for what I don't have! Result: less frustration..

*Don't worry too much! Result : less grey hair..

*Listening to cheerful and fast music! Result: get some condition exercises

*Dress up sometimes with make-ups! Result: Feel pretties and sexier

*Eat a little piece of chocolate! Result: Less sugar craving.

*Ignoring annoying people! Result: That people get annoyed instead of me

*Flirt a little bit! Result: Err.. don't know the result, but I know it's healthy for me to do that cause it's in my nature, as long it's no harm to others.

*Watch Big Bang Theory whenever I have time. Result: Can laugh it out loud.

*Don't skip Chinese Class on Tuesdays night. Result: Won't miss Mats' humorous lessons.

*What more, it's coming... I promise! Right now, I have to watch The Big Bang Theory! Time to make some popcorns first!

Oh ya, before I left, just want to share this song.. MAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC! Just a simple song, but great one.

Nobody can tell ya;
There's only one song worth singin'.
They may try and sell ya,
'cause it hangs them up
to see someone like you.

But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sing along.

So if you cannot take my hand,
and if you must be goin',
I will understand.

You're gonna be knowing
the loneliest kind of lonely.
It may be rough goin',
just to do your thing's
the hardest thing to do.

But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sings along.

So if you cannot take my hand,
and if you must be goin',
I will understand.

You gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sings along.

How am I?

I am fine, I guess. Yes, I am. Besides dreamt of my mum something, besides missing my girls so much, I have to say that I am doing pretty okay.

Honestly, I have to deal with the swinging of my mood sometimes, I have to control myself not to think about my guilt that I indirectly have caused my mom's death because I left her being lonely in Malaysia, I have to stop feeling sorry that she suffered with the deep depression and I didn't even notice that. I have to sometimes switch channel when I see the scene when the patient said or not even said goodbye at the hospital in the film. I'm dealing with my feeling. I'm facing with my fear of being lonely. I am learning to confront myself.

It has been a while since I came back to Sweden. From the early summer to the early autumn, I have done some stuff, I have enjoyed life in between, I have met friends for good time...so I have nothing to complain about. Life is good and I appreciate it everyday when I wake up in the morning. I told myself I have to enjoy my life for my mum.

The trees are getting ready for changing their dress code. They are getting into the mood to get their beautiful colours in the chilly morning, they just can't wait for showing off their natural beauty and cheer people up. As for me, am I ready to change the colour of my life as the trees?

Yesterday was my 44 years old birthday. How old was I when my mother was 44 years old? I was 17-18 then. I guess that time my mother would never have thought I would leave her and dad behind, and move so far far away from her one day. I was naive and wanted an escape. En Escape from the traditional frame and life style.

After 27 years, it's my turn to feel how my mum felt when I said goodbye to her at the airport. I understand now why after a few times, she never wanted to follow me to the airport again on my departure day. I know now why she always got moody before my leaving. It was not easy to see her only daughter left and then had to wait for another few years to meet up again.

Last week, I got to feel exactly how my mom felt when I sent the girls to the airport. Although England are nearer than Malaysia and I can text or call them easily, or even see them on Skype, although I don't have to wait a few years to meet them, although I can book an air ticket and fly over to England to see them whenever I want, but the missing makes the distance longer. It's the quietness at home that bothers me, it's the loneliness that scares me, it's the emptiness that upset me.

I miss you, mum. I don't have to promise you any more that I would go back to Malaysia end of this year, or beginning next year, or any day or any time at all. I don't have to promise you I would call you next week and then I totally forgot about it and you were waiting and waiting for me to call, and when I really called you would start to scold me on the phone, and then I would get annoyed and avoiding to call you. I am so sorry I sometimes didn't keep my promise. I really regret it so much now that I didn't call you often then.

My girls didn't promise to call me often when they left, but they wanted me to promise them that I would be strong when they are not around. I am the one who has to promise them I would take care of myself and be happy. I have promised them that I would love myself more, and looking for a new path for myself.

It's too late to promise my mom anything now, but it's not too late to promise my girls and myself, I have to be good, I have to feel good!

So, at the age of 44, I have promised myself, I want to be good, I want to do something meaningful.. I want to look at what I have and not to look at what I don't have in my life.

To you, friends and relatives who care and ask me often" How are you?".. My answer is "I am fine. thank you so much for asking." Thanks for your loves and cares, your loves are the energy sources that give me the strength to stay strong too, this year's best birthday presents!

Love.

Continuing looking back..

2011.01.01 GMMXLE (Google"s new year sign)
Woke up at 8.30a.m. with a smell of the fragrance of the sandalwood in the air...was mom in the room last night? The smell that always filled the house when mom prayed to the God..

Every morning I wake up with the thoughts what should I do today? Life seems so meaningless now at 12 Lorong Riang when mom is no longer here. I got used to have mom with me everytime I came back here, but now the house is left with only me, the tortist Ah Gui and the cat Ah Hon.

Ah Gui got her bath yesterday by Lina Jie Jie, and Ah Gui got pissed off because she was being cleaned..she refused to eat her meal today..poor her..if mom was here, Ah Gui would have eaten her meal.

Ah Hon was waiting at the frontyard when I opened the wooden door this morning. He was amazingly puncture..always come back at 8a.m and 4p.m. for his meal. I never asked mom how did she told him to do that. Mom could have taught many people how to be puncture as Ah Hon.
Well sorrylah Ah Hon, I cannot just jump out from my bed everyday before 8a.m and feed you in time you know, I have a life too, so somedays you have to wait. I dont have the time and patience as our mommy...

STILL refuse to clear up my mom's stuff. Why hurry? With the thoughts of leaving the house and everything behind and go back to Sweden first? I can't bare it..the thoughts are tooooo heavy... To find peace in my mind, I copy criptures for my mom. It calms me down. Set my mind in peace. I told William about it cause he keeps asking me what I am doing everyday. Then William doubts me. He really cannot imaging I am doing that. What makes the different what he thinks? He always doubtful in whatever i do anyway, so it doesnt bother me anymore what he thinks..

I am going to Alor Star with Ah Hong tonight. I really do hope mom sipiritually following me since she never made it to SuYin's salong before.

I have written seven pages of the Heart Sutra. William asked me would they really help. I told him I dont know. I am not God or Buddha, but if I really believe that it can help my mom to go to a better world than this world in any way by doing that, I will do it for her. I guess he cannot bare the thoughts that I might go into buddism or become very religious after this, and then I will no longer have lust. He will go crazy if I dont have any lust anymore..well too bad if he is worrying about this.

This is how I am feeling right now, nothing is much more important than doing something good and meaningful for my mom. Although this may sound silly and too late now, but sipirtually if I can do something for my mom so that she could rest in peace, even though it is like a 0.0000000001% chance to get her go to that better place, i will do...

2011.01.05 23.00
Not a good day today. Skyped with William twice and both time ended up with he hanged up on me, as usual..why? cause he can never have a good chat with me and listen carefully to what I have to say...not in the mood to write anymore about today..

LOOKING BACK..

It is time to go back to Sweden. It's really the countdown time. People keep asking me if I am ready. The truth is I am not really ready to leave, but as what Mabel has told me four months ago, she said "You cannot let thing on hold in Sweden, mom!" So, I have to be ready to leave.

While packing down my mom's beautiful clothes into boxes in the past few days, my teardrops didn't fall down anymore. I was amazingly calm while clearing stuff at home until I found my diary just now, which was covered by dust at the little courner of my room. Oh ya, I almost forgot about it. I was thinking to "talk" to it everyday during my stay but well it never happened. I had a deep sigh and opened the diary. It's supposed to be a journal of my daily life in Butterworth during my stay for the past few months, but so embarrassing, I had only written two and a quarter days.

I am ready to share these two and a quarter days here as my memory and love to my mom. I don't know why I wrote it in English at the beginning..so it will stay as the original..

2010.12.31 New Year Eve Time 22.00
Feeling so weired sitting all by myself in this big empty living room without my beloved mom. I keep looking around me, reflashing my memories when I was here with her in June, July and half August. I showed her some chinese old songs fromYoutube, I played funny animals videos to cheer her up.We always watched the 7pm Chinese series, 8pm Chinese News, We shared supper and fruits. Sometimes we would watch the TV all the way to 10pm series. I knew mom was very tired by that time, but she insisted to stay up and watched finish with me. i knew why she did that. She wanted to spend every presious moment and minute together with me...

I am feeling so hurt inside me right now that tonight I am not able to kiss her goodnight anymore. So sorry that I cannot help her with the blanket, put the blanket on her and say see you tomorrow mom anymore.. I miss you so much, MOM! I hope you are in in a better place now, no more suffering no more pain. You know what, mom, What I have now is the MTV Music Award on TV, and a lot of SMS New Year Eve greeting from friends and relatives that keep me company tonight. I am feeling better and calm with the noise from the TV and all the thoughtful sms.. and ya, and my tenant too, Ah Hong who didnt go party and went to sleep early on the new year eve night.

Dolly:
Have a Blessed, Healthy, Peaceful, Lovely and Wonderful Bunny Ear...ooops Year! Love you always.

Sin Huat: Happy New Year! May 2011 mark the beginning of a tidal wave of love, happiness and bright futures.

Erik Tan:
2011 is coming. May the good times and treasures of the present become the golden memories of tomorrow. May yours would be filled with warmth and good cheer throughtout the year, HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Mimmi:
May the peace and love of God be with you and guide you in all that you do. Have a great New year and God bless you

Aunty Bi Lan:
I do miss your mom and that's life.Do take care of yourself and Happy New Year.

Mike:
You must enjoy yourself too, no matter what, we are one big family. Happy New Year and have a great 2011

Dennis:
Happy New Year! LOOK FORWARD

Helen:
Doris, you can make it the best after today

Lisa:
I am wishing you have a new beginning of this coming year. Finally you can put down the burden that you carried for your momfrom your shoulders. From now you can do whatever you want. We are supporting you always, my dear cousin sister!

Fu Sin:
I am wishing you be happy in this new year, I hope you are able to walk pass this difficult time, Keep it up.

And many more.....

Oops It is 12a.m. already. Let me countdown together with the TV show..that's not too bad though.. I am looking forward to have a new start of my relationship with William. Would it happen? How to make it happen? Will it work?

To be continued....

旧爱

分手时的坚持， 成了我这些年的累赘， 缠折着我内疚的心。
当年的抉择， 换来了遗憾， 成了爱的魔魇，而困扰着我多年疲惫的心， 因为。。。
这些年 我最寂寞的时候 不是单独的时候，而是惦念着你的时候...

我心中的伊莉莎白泰莱

昨天风华绝代的伊莉莎白泰萊病逝了，她那有磁力的美艳，令人望了她一眼后，眼神就会凝定而离不开她了。一个女人可以坚持美丽到整八十岁是不容易的事，可是她做到了！不管她这一生是花了多少钱和心思在美容和整容上，那种为了自己的美貌，而很有耐心和努力地去保持，照顾和在意的惊人毅力，让我佩服得五体投地，是我这个懒惰的女人永远无法做得到的。

但是呢，我心中的伊莉莎白 - 我妈妈可做到了！我从小就可惜我妈出生在错的年代或地方，要不然我妈可能也可以像伊莉莎白一样，天生丽质难自弃做明星去了，让很多人也可以仰慕她的风采和艳丽，因为毕竟妈妈这一生，到老都在在意她的容貌和外表，所以我觉得可惜她的美貌，没为她带来像伊莉莎白的举世瞩目的垂青。。。

但是呢， 话又说回来了，如果妈妈当年年轻时，真的被电影界看上而被捧为明星的话，今天的我就不存在了，而且妈妈可能也会像玉婆一样，嫁了好几次而没有幸福的婚姻。有人说我妈妈年轻时像早期的香港明星林翠（如下）， 妈妈生前也为这个相像而一直沾沾自喜，至少她有像过一个明星啊，死而无憾的了。。。

其实我觉得玉婆的妩媚比不上我妈妈的。看看玉婆和我妈的的这两张照片，玉婆的媚是面对镜头摆出来的，我妈妈只须要懒洋洋地靠在椅背上，不经意就让她那楚楚动人的美目盼兮，巧笑倩兮的高雅秀丽的气质流露出来了，妈妈的这一招，我学了一辈子都学不会的，结果我每次照相时都只是达到东施效颦的效果，唉不谈也罢。。。 玉婆晚年还是那么漂亮，靠的是金银珠宝，还有一流精致的人工整容的包装。。

而我妈的老年魅力靠的是她那内在美。她幽默细心的性格，善良的爱心，处处为人着想，处处帮人的慈悲心，让亲朋戚友都很爱戴她，虽然有时有些人（包括我在内）吃不消她的直肚直肠的言语，不过还是照样爱她的好，可以忍受她那令人啼笑皆非的率直。

我妈妈不需要物质和人工的包装也一样可以美丽到七十岁。以我这个懒个性，不晓得样可以像我妈妈一样美丽到七十岁吗？

生命的尽头

很多人都说当他们来到生命隧道的终点时，就会看到一道强烈的光芒，这些人是进去过了又回到来这个世界的，所以才会说给没有去过的人听。

到了光芒后面而不回来的那个世界会是怎么样的呢？事实上没人知道。每个宗教都有他们美好理想的想像世界， 那是好事，至少相信这些美好世界的人，到时就不会害怕要走过这个尽头了。

不晓得妈妈当时经过时是否害怕过，不过，我想如果爸爸早已在终点的另一边等待着牵妈妈的手的话，那么希望妈妈是很开心很放心地走过去了。。。

哀悼

我妈走了三个月了，这段日子我过得很恍惚，过得很懒散，虽然这之间也有轻松开心的时候。当我开始可以在寻找我妈妈的记忆中慢慢地沉淀和过滤一下心情时，十天前的一通电话，让我再度堕入哀痛着中。三十六岁的表妹夫突然走了！留下一个五岁的女儿和我表妹。今天是他的葬礼，可是无奈我们华人的习俗，让我遗憾不能送他最后一程，今天，我只能一个人，默默地坐在一个让四号风扇吹也吹不散闷气的客厅里，怀念他那亲切的笑容和他的好。

妈妈，Eric.，你们在另一个世界相遇了吗？
Eric, 你比我妈年轻得多了，我想你要追到我妈现在去的世界应该没问题的。。 你们知道吗，你们往生净土脱离苦海后就不会再有烦恼了。

妈妈，你不必再烦恼：明天要煮什么吃，阿龟阿红猫没得吃，屋子没人顾，屋子好肮脏，生病没人带你去给医生看；不必再担心我幸不幸福，我孩子乖不乖；不必再为我省钱，为我操心了。。

Eric，你不必再要劳碌奔波去赚更多的钱，你不必再承受生活的压力了。。。

我憋了一整天，想哭却哭不出来。。

子欲养而亲不在

这是我妈生前喜欢坐的铁椅子，椅子就放在我家大门和篱笆门之间的空地上。她早上看阿龟的时候，下午浇花后，总喜欢坐在这里。。。

这是我家的老宠物 - 今年28岁（人类岁) 的阿龟。妈妈喜欢坐在那张椅子上跟阿龟说话。有人觉得我妈有点怪，喜欢跟动物说话，那是因为可能这些人缺乏我妈那颗爱小动物的心。妈妈说她曾把阿龟送过给人，因为她怕她回老家后没人会照顾它。（听她说这话时，我有点受委屈，为什么妈从来就不会想像一下她女儿我会有办法安排阿龟的。）。结果阿龟去别人家住的时候，妈妈却又整天心挂挂，担心人家没有给它吃，没有给它换水。妈妈爱龟心切的烦恼，让她日有所思夜有阿龟梦。一个星期后她竟然梦见阿龟哭着要回家。

梦醒后的那个早上，妈妈就敲锣打鼓地找人载她去看阿龟。到了那儿，那个收留阿龟的人一看到我妈下车，就说：安蒂，你来得正好，你的乌龟不要吃东西很多天了，你还是把它带回去好了。就这样，阿龟又回到妈妈的身边，可惜最近陪它最多的已不再是妈妈了。。。

我在想，不知道这次妈妈有没有托梦给阿龟instead，或回来过看看它和我。。是否已放心原来我也像她一样很宠阿龟，像她一样每天跟阿龟讲话。。

妈妈的“绿手指”也是很多人羡慕的，看看这些绿油油的叶子吧，这是妈妈自豪的树宝宝。有些亲友跟妈妈接种，把这些宝宝的更小的宝宝带回家去种，到他们家时他们总会指着那些已长大的宝宝说，你看，这是你妈妈给我的。。

知道为什么妈妈的树长得那么茂盛吗？秘诀在于她跟树宝宝说话，相信我吗？或许吧，但是我没听过妈妈跟这些宝贝谈天。有没有可惜我没有办法对证了。不过有一个秘诀倒是真的，很管用的。妈妈曾告诉我这样一件趣事。有一次我：表嫂问我妈为什么她带回去种的宝宝不能长得茂盛呢？妈妈对她说：很容易吧了，你把阿龟带回去养就可以了。表嫂捉不着头绪地反问，为什么？妈妈说：因为你要用阿龟吃饱后放粪的池水来浇树啊！那么你的树就会像我的树一样，长得美美了！

虽然我现在无法再继续照顾妈妈了，但是我可以继续好好照顾她的阿龟和树宝宝，一直到我为它们找到好的主人。虽然我多么希望我可以把它们带回到瑞典去，可惜那是不实际的做法。其实妈妈也早已知道我做不到的，所以她才不在这方面对我有期待。。好遗憾的事。。

虽然你已经听不到了，但是我还是要大声地说：我想念你，妈妈，我爱你，妈妈！