Continuing looking back..

2011.01.01 GMMXLE (Google"s new year sign)
Woke up at 8.30a.m. with a smell of the fragrance of the sandalwood in the air...was mom in the room last night? The smell that always filled the house when mom prayed to the God..

Every morning I wake up with the thoughts what should I do today? Life seems so meaningless now at 12 Lorong Riang when mom is no longer here. I got used to have mom with me everytime I came back here, but now the house is left with only me, the tortist Ah Gui and the cat Ah Hon.

Ah Gui got her bath yesterday by Lina Jie Jie, and Ah Gui got pissed off because she was being cleaned..she refused to eat her meal today..poor her..if mom was here, Ah Gui would have eaten her meal.

Ah Hon was waiting at the frontyard when I opened the wooden door this morning. He was amazingly puncture..always come back at 8a.m and 4p.m. for his meal. I never asked mom how did she told him to do that. Mom could have taught many people how to be puncture as Ah Hon.
Well sorrylah Ah Hon, I cannot just jump out from my bed everyday before 8a.m and feed you in time you know, I have a life too, so somedays you have to wait. I dont have the time and patience as our mommy...

STILL refuse to clear up my mom's stuff. Why hurry? With the thoughts of leaving the house and everything behind and go back to Sweden first? I can't bare it..the thoughts are tooooo heavy... To find peace in my mind, I copy criptures for my mom. It calms me down. Set my mind in peace. I told William about it cause he keeps asking me what I am doing everyday. Then William doubts me. He really cannot imaging I am doing that. What makes the different what he thinks? He always doubtful in whatever i do anyway, so it doesnt bother me anymore what he thinks..

I am going to Alor Star with Ah Hong tonight. I really do hope mom sipiritually following me since she never made it to SuYin's salong before.

I have written seven pages of the Heart Sutra. William asked me would they really help. I told him I dont know. I am not God or Buddha, but if I really believe that it can help my mom to go to a better world than this world in any way by doing that, I will do it for her. I guess he cannot bare the thoughts that I might go into buddism or become very religious after this, and then I will no longer have lust. He will go crazy if I dont have any lust anymore..well too bad if he is worrying about this.

This is how I am feeling right now, nothing is much more important than doing something good and meaningful for my mom. Although this may sound silly and too late now, but sipirtually if I can do something for my mom so that she could rest in peace, even though it is like a 0.0000000001% chance to get her go to that better place, i will do...

2011.01.05 23.00
Not a good day today. Skyped with William twice and both time ended up with he hanged up on me, as usual..why? cause he can never have a good chat with me and listen carefully to what I have to say...not in the mood to write anymore about today..