2012年7月13日星期五

心灵治疗法之一

妹妹前天应该从西班牙回来了。可是她大前天在那儿打来的电话里的语气,让我感觉到她矛盾的心情。她想在我回马来西亚之前回来,可是又想在那儿多呆一些日子。我让她的心理没有压力,我告诉她,如果你觉得留下来会开心一些,那就不必勉强一定要那么快回来,只因为要和我道别,反正我们可以在网上聊天的。我说你自己决定吧。她选择了快乐。

如果我说我不想要她回来是骗我自己的。只是我不想要,也不能再为她决定一些事情了。十九岁的她已不大要我帮她做决定。只要孩子懂得寻找快乐我就会开心,就不担心了。


坦白说,我前天在市中心漫无目的走了半天,带着压抑着挂念妹妹和紫薇的心,让阳光把我把沉默的心情照一照,我穿梭在来来往往的人群和游客中,才不觉得孤独。我把每一间鞋店都逛上,在试穿鞋子中,我的心情开始平静下来。在大平卖的鞋堆中找的了一对布鞋,让我满意轻松了。都说了,我还是个女人,而且是爱鞋的女人,买到喜欢的鞋子时,就是女人很好的心灵良药,比治疗depression的药更有效 !

我的新鞋!

2012年7月12日星期四

归乡的心

在2010年十一月我回去北海前,我没有机会像往年一样,兴奋地直接在电话中告诉妈妈我要回去看她了,因为在我订好机票后妈妈已进了医院,我只有带着焦虑不安,难过的心情搭上回乡的飞机。


上个星期买好机票走出旅行社时,外面刚好下着在瑞典难得一见的倾盆大雨。这场雨让我想到去年我回来瑞典前几天,老家外也下着一样的大雨。想到妈妈出殡前的几天,老天爷也动情地为她嚎嚎大哭了几场,望着稀里哗啦的大雨,一股失落的心情就不禁地涌上心头。酸溜溜的气开始拥挤在胸口了。





往年,我会迫不急待地马上要打电话给妈妈,让她分享我要回乡的喜悦。我喜欢听到妈妈那清脆娇柔的声音,感觉到电话中那头传来雀跃的音符,她会假装我骗她似的问,“无丫没,露埋骗娃哦!(潮州话)”。 意思是说,真的吗? 你不要偏我哦!可我却知道她已经在那个时候,开始倒数我和孩子老公回去的日子了。我站在大雨前,仰望濛濛的天空,把泪水吞回肚里,默默地说了一声:”妈妈我要回去了。。。“

不过,欣慰和感恩的是,家乡还有等待着我回去的亲戚朋友们,所以我马上就用手机传了信息通知他们。想到很快我又可以和他们见面了,多开心!对了,还有见到我的阿龟!

2012年7月11日星期三

A year ago.

A year ago I left Penang with the worry about the house my parents left for me. I eagerly wanted to sell the house that time but yet I couldn't let go of it. A home where I have spent my childhood, my teenage life, my first love there since year 1977.
 Every day's good view from the house,  the morning sun

The year mom adopted me,
I was two years old. 
My father was a loving man. Before we moved to Taman Riang, we lived together with his eldest brother's family in a house that father bought. My father bought this new house and gave his brother and family the house which we had been stayed together. Dad loved his brother much to give the brother that old house I grown up with until I was 10 years old.

Dad never asked for any single penny from his brother for that house.  The only think dad wanted to have from that old place was the telephone number which my father would like to use in the new house at Taman Riang. His brother and the wife refused to let us take the telephone number and they made a big scene by arguing with my dad and yelling at my mother when she tried to stop the arguing. This incident not only upset my parents, it upset the little girl, me too.

I remember I was really angry about this. I hated my uncle and his wife so much at that time because they had caught miserable moments and fight between my parents, my parents who seldom argue with each other. Because of the incident of the stupid telephone number, my mom got upset everyday after we move into the new house. I can still remember that number: 333409. Dad finally got the number anyway because he was the one who paid the telephone bills over the past years.


Now I need to talk about our new house - our HOME. Yes, finally a home for ourselves!
My parents, the beautiful couple


I was 10 with Fisco, the
naughtiest dog we even had

Finally, no more unpleasant shouting from my uncle's wife. That evil woman couldn't burry my mom anymore! I could smell peaceful in the air and feel the quietness. I could sense mom's relief and relaxing. We finally have a home that only have me, mom and dad, and of course mom's dogs and cats.

My mum was very good in hospitality and that's why our house always had visitors and friends. Mom always arranged birthday party for me every year. My friends would love to come and help out with the decoration and food. They just simply liked to come and hang out at our house even though when there were not any party. They got to play with mom's pets and tried mom's cooking. My house was a very homy place for many of my friends. Thanks to mom who had brought me up with the hospitality skills, today I could apply them at work.




My last birthday party at home with the most guests, was my 21 years old birthday. After that, I left mum and dad for Sweden. From that moment on I never had any celebration of my birthday party again at this home. They were replaced with Julie's birthday party instead every time we went back. Mom loved that! She would be busy planning for Julie's birthday's menu and the guest list. Then almost all the relatives and the neighbors would come to the party, who not only brought presents and angbao to Julie, but for Mabel too. We liven up the house again with joy and laughters, with people and food.

My cousin sisters helped me with the food!
That's why I before I came back to Sweden last year, I had a small gathering. I invited my relatives and neighbors. We were talking about my mum, about the old time when we had birthday parties, about how happy my mum would have be if she was still around... it was a great party!


My lovely and adorable
brother, Sunny
Before I sell my house, I am going to have a party again. This time will really be a farewell party to the house, the house which keeps so many of my good & bad memories and secrets in my life, and to the relatives and friends, whom I had grown up with and whom had helped me to take good care of my parents those past years when I am in Sweden, whom had helped me to get through one of the most difficult time in my life when mom passed away one and a half year ago. It's about time for a home return again. Well, see you soon, my relatives, my friends, my house and my Ah Gui.


有时间就做做一些不需要用钱的事吧。。

时间一晃又过了一个多月了,太久没上来,差点忘了password! 我不敢说是没时间,那不是我最好的藉口。我只是让时间慢慢地从我懒洋洋的心情,take it easy的心态中溜过,而没发觉它走得那么快。


我们总是在跟时间赛跑。有一些人喜欢跟时间赛跑,觉得这样他们的人生才不会白白浪费掉,因为他们认为时间是金钱,感觉如果不和时间并肩同跑,他们就会失去金钱,结果马不停歇地,用一辈子的能量紧紧地跟着时间,一边跑一边捞金钱,最后双手抱着满怀的金钱,但是因为下半辈子的能量已被透支了,结果他们已没气力享用这些金钱。幸运的可用这金钱来换取一口尚存的气,不幸的可没机会用到,反而让一些人为了那些金钱而争夺。

我是一个很不懂得爱惜光阴,不懂得和时间赛跑的小女人,结果两袖清风,捞不到很多金,可是我把时间用在享受我爱做的事的。 就因为如此,我才遇到了很多的知心朋友,我才能够让我的视觉和感觉有机会去享受大自然的美;我才能和我的女儿一起长大而之间没有太大的代沟。

你可以笑我太随心所意,不懂得赚多一点为将来打算;你可以藐视我太天真不踏实,活在梦幻里。我无所谓的。我会当你妒忌我,因为我会享受生活而你不会。享受生活不需要有一大笔钱。放开心怀,看看你等车时周围的花草树木是不用钱的;听听树上的鸟儿的演唱会是不用钱的;到图书馆去借借书,过一个没有手机面子书的小时是不必花钱的。

放慢脚步,歇息一下吧,让心情放肆吧!


2012年5月19日星期六

Gabriellas sång ( Gabriella's song)

Tonight at work, two guests sang this Swedish song and it was my first time listening to it. The song really came at the right timing, like a knife cut into my heart. I could feel the pain my heart. Tonight I have a lot of anger after having a big argument with the man I have spent over 23 years together with. 


 It's about time for me to leave soon... I want my life back before it's too late! How to start?


Det är nu som livet är mitt
Jag har fått en stund här på jorden
Och min längtan har fört mig hit
Det jag saknat och det jag fått

Det är ändå vägen jag valt
Min förtröstan långt bortom orden
Som
 har visat en liten bit
Av den himmel jag aldrig nått

Jag vill känna att jag lever
All den tid jag har
Ska jag leva som jag vill
Jag vill känna att jag lever
Veta att jag räcker till

Jag har aldrig glömt vem jag var
Jag har bara låtit det sova
Kanske hade jag inget val
Bara viljan att finnas kvar

Jag vill leva lycklig för att jag är jag
Kunna vara stark och fri
Se hur natten går mot dag
Jag är här och mitt liv är bara mitt
Och den himmel jag trodde fanns
Ska jag hitta där nånstans

Jag vill känna att jag levt mitt liv


The English translation :


It is now that life is mine
I've had for a while here on earth
And my longing has brought me here
What I lacked and what I got

It is still the way I have chosen
My faith far beyond the words
As is shown a small piece of
From the sky I never reached

I want to feel that I live
All the time I have
Should I practice what I want
I want to feel that I live
Knowing that I have enough

I have never forgotten who I was
I've just let it sleep
Maybe I had no choice
Only the will to exist

I want to live happy because I am
Able to be strong and free
See how the night goes to day
I am here and my life is just my
And the sky I thought there were
Should I find there somewhere

I want to feel like I lived my life


Sources:
Read more: http://artists.letssingit.com/helen-sjoholm-lyrics-gabriellas-sang-lq7thjm#ixzz1vHFF8QoR
LetsSingIt - Your favorite Music Community 

2012年3月15日星期四

Self solution

Thanks to Angel's "Love versus Fear" which has twisted my fear into calmness this two days.

恐惧 Fear stays in me since my childhood. I have always made choices out of fears. I am having hard time to destroy these fears and that's why I always feel miserable. I fear for my future, I fear for being a loser. I fear for the unknown in front of me. I fear for not being good enough for Mabel and Julie, I fear for failures.

All these years fear has stopped me, has drowned me, has eaten up my youth. Because of my ignorances I let fear concur me, overpower me.

Listen to Angel once a day will be my soul medicine for the time being until I am getting better.

2012年3月13日星期二

想飞


最近这两个星期,身体和心灵又生病了。。

身心就是该这样起起伏伏的才有意思吧。

我很想到一个很远很远的地方,到纽西兰找小棋,或者去美国找Melissa,加拿大找Gen,逗留一段时间。反正孩子已不需要我了。只有老公还需要我,因为我是他的老婆。

昨晚突然有想到要去找妈妈的想法,我想我是病得发慌了吧, 反正躺在床上想到我这一生做过的内疚的冲动的荒唐的事,没有人可以了解我,连我自己也不了解我自己,所以觉得这个想法算是个最佳的一了百了的方式。

我很有想飞走的冲动!可是被困在我自己的鸟笼里,始终飞不出去!好窝囊。

妹妹有时生气我为什么不要改变状况,我总是说事情没有她想像中那么容易解决。其实,是不容易解决还是我并没有积极去想办法解决。

还是想飞。。飞到远远的地方,那就不必再面对每天压住我心情的魔影。

想飞到一个让我可以顺畅呼吸的地方,心灵不必再受每天负面的能量的影响而时常在生病。

飞呀,飞呀。。我什么时候才敢打开那个鸟笼门?