Happy Birthday to Me

I have many people to thank in my life for the past 50 year who have helped me to get through difficult times. I am thankful to have so many people who love me for who I am, and being there for me when I needed their helps and advice. I am grateful for knowing so many wonderful and great people all these years. I am glad I am strong and healthy enough to be able to sit here and facing my fear, feeling and doubtfulness.

So much good and bad memories I wanted to recall in my mind yesterday. Some of them were so clear that I can remember the conversations, the details, the people in those memories. Some of them are so blurry even though I tried so hard to press them out of my brain. It's not always the good memories that give me the clear photo in mind. In fact, it's the bad memories that make a deeper mark.

So, here comes the best part of being 50. I dare to face them bravely now. I am learning to let go of the bad memories, to deal with the bad memories, to face it and able to talk about it. The more I am facing it, the more relief I get. Bad memories are like toxic. They are poisoning my brain and body slowly and  silently day by day, year after year. Some people like to say, oh just forget the pass and move forward. Sometimes it's easy to say than done, depends on people's personality, whom they met along the way.

Sharing one of the memories here..

Ever since I moved to Sweden, every year on my birthday, I am very moody and I am sad.  I cry on my birthday every year. I don't know why I was feeling like that. Julie told me last month, it's called birthday blues. To me, I know it's more than that. A year ago, I was excited and talked about having a Disco party, a Karaoke party at my restaurant with my friends and guests. Last month the enthusiastic energy was still there. As the day approaching, the energy dropped.  I was getting more moody. My swinging mood was like a roller coaster. So, it ended up no party, no birthday cake, no flowers, no chocolate yesterday because I chose not to have a party.

The answer is, I got stuck deeply in the pamper zone. People who know me and my mom well will agree with this. My mother always had big birthday party for me every year since I was a little girl. My birthday party was one of the biggest and important days she loved to have people to come to us and enjoyed the food and company. I remember I was so happy to have many people around on the day. I had been spoiled in this way until I was 21 years old before I came to Sweden.

I have learned much from my mom. In Sweden, I love to arrange party for my girls, my husband and my friends for the past years. I remember (use to) good friends' birthday. I love to see my husband, my girls, my friends happy face on their day, just like my mom gave me the joyful feeling on my birthday days. Then here comes the part that upset me. When it is my day, I don't want and I don't like to arrange my own party. I miss my mom much on this day and I wanted to have those memories. I just wanted to be pamper on this day the way she did for me.

As years gone by, on my day, what I got was disappointment because many times hubby forgot the day. I was busy with work and my girls when they were young. When my mom was alive, she would ask me on the phone if I had a birthday party and I always lied to her to say yes so that she knew her baby girl was well-celebrated.

If mom were alive yesterday and if I had talked to her today, I would tell her the truth. I would tell her I miss her and I miss my birthday parties she gave me every year. No, I didn't have any party. I cried the whole morning and didn't want to get up from my bed at 12p.m.  I didn't have the strength. Then friends' greetings on Facebook and sms, friends' calls, Mabel's call from Australia and Julie's call from Stockholm made me realise that I don't need your pamper anymore, mom. I don't need a big party to be happy on my day. I don't need to have many people surrounding me to feel happy on my birthday.

Last week, I already got a pre-birthday yummy dinner as present at a very wonderful good old friend's place for her home-cook meal. Last night, I had a very wonderful dinner and company with a very sweet dear close friend who made the night fruitfulness, meaningful and happy.

So you see, mom, although I still wish I had a party last night with people and great music and dance, like you used to give me, but I am not disappointed for not having one either. Don't worry, I have friends and daughters who love me much and care about me much.  So, I am okay just that you know.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET 50!  Doris :) 

when I was four years old. Our first passport photo. Taken before the trip to Indonesia which I had no memories about.

Mom's favorite pose - holding flowers and smile at the camera. I have been well trained since the young age :)

When I was 12 years old.

I wish I could go back to this size - 16 years old.

18 years old.. so doubtful about life and everything..

Now I know I am really a real Libra. I found my birthday certificate among the old stuff from Malaysia which my father had keep well. So precious.