The Horse Year 2014

Julie's year this year.

I couldn't believe myself I was already a mom 24 years ago. I really made a lot of people dropped their glasses (Chinese way of giving that impression where you can't believe what you are seeing...something like that..)

Well I am happy my girl has finished her university and graduated at the age of 23. This year is her year and I am really relief that she didn't follow her mom's footstep. She get a job instead of a baby at her 24 years old. Well done, Jules! Love ^u^

I didn't have any mood for Chinese New Year at all the past few days. I miss a lot of things and stuff. Well, going into menopause, sometime it's hard to control my emotion. So, part of me was thinking, what's the point of doing anything while my girls are not coming home to celebrate CNY with me? Then I thought of mom. I didn't celebrate CNY with her for over 20 years and she managed to carry on the traditional celebration every year. It was the seasonal spirit, the CNY music, the colorful and beautiful decorations which she put up in the house that made her happy and motivated every single Chinese New Year. (and of course the relatives and friends who came and visited her gave her the energy to look forward to CNY)

Wasn't that I wanted too when I packed down all her CNY ornaments and brought them home to Sweden so that I can carry on mom's spirit for our traditional CNY celebration and decoration in our home?

So, tonight I have made my mom proud because I didn't give up CNY. I know if I am doing the stuff that make me feeling wonderful and excited, the girls are happy for me too. This will be the best CNY present I can give to them: Don't worry, be happy for them ! ^-^

Mom's favorite which she put up every year..don't know how many years she had keep these dedicate flowers and that vase.

These are my own favorite - the paper lanterns. I bought home a few packages with different colors and sizes. Changing them out every year before CNY.

I love to watch them in the dark

Mom's way of decorate her plants during CNY.  It is like decorate a Christmas tree.

I wonder why there were only two covers left..should have another in order to complete the Chinese characters..Hmmm 

I was listening to the CNY songs from this VCD....to cheer me up!

Under the light in the living room

In the kitchen

In the kitchen

Like this calender very much. It was given by a Asian grocery shop to their Chinese customers.

This is not from mom's collection. I bought it myself. I put it in the hallway.

A new curtain which I found amount the Christmas cheap sales. It certainly fit well as CNY curtain too.

I would like to take this opportunity to wish all my Chinese relatives and friends,

have a Great and Prosperous Chinese New Year! "Horse arrives, successful arrives" 马到成功！^-^

人生短短有几回？

最近的脾气坏到极点！ 以前可以忍气吞声的事情，我不会再屈服于你了。我不理你怎么说我脾气怪怪的，或者发神经，我不会让你再用负面的语气对我说话。受了24年的负面能量，应该是时候让我吸一吸正面的能量，让我在没有真正变成疯子前，我一定要救救我自己！

在倒数2014年的几个小时前，一位在马来西亚的中学同学斗不过癌症，就这么走了。在面子书上传来的消息，让我感触万分。这是件很令人不甘心的事！想想好不容易挨到中年，是好好再重新出击的时候，为下半辈子的日子找乐趣，充实自己，却来不及为自己做些事情就要离开这个世界。。。

你今天早上问我认识Maggie的老公吗？我说我没见过。你说他走了，比你还年轻。我说，那么你还要等多久才能明白，那句你喜欢时不时挂在你口中的话，人生短促，要看开点，要珍惜，你到底明白多少？其实你没见真正面对死亡，妈妈临走咽下最后一口气的时候，你不在我的身边，所以我不怪你不明白你自己所说的这些话。等到有一天你真正明白时，你不会再说这番话，而是行动，你才会真正明白什么是珍惜。珍惜是重视爱惜的意思。 你有像重视你的原则那样重视过我吗？你爱惜我的方式对吗？

我最近开始懂得了爱我自己多一些。我终于明白我应该珍惜我自己，不必再等你的呵护，等你不实际的承诺，我已经等了那么多年，等了好多回，等错了。我不知道我还有多少个47年可以等。

更年期的恐惧感终于开始侵蚀我的荷尔蒙我的神经我的心情，再等下去我真的会发疯了。

.....Continuation

http://sweden.se/society/20-things-to-know-before-moving-to-sweden/


11. Locate IKEA
I am not really a IKEA fans although I stay very close to IKEA. (Only 10 minutes by car).
Why? because I always end up buying unnecessary stuff which are cheap! Furthermore, visiting their beautiful and homey showrooms kind of make me feel depressed because I have a hubby that doesn't want to have any chance. So what's the point of visiting IKEA? I will go for their meatballs and ice-cream though, sometimes.

12. Take Off Your Shoes
This is really something in common with Malaysians. To me, this is not a typical Swedish way. This is an international polite and respectful way when you visit someone's house. I have learned to do this since I was a little girl. Well trained by my mom :D

13. Winters are cold and dark
Ya, tell me about it! The man who convinced me to come to Sweden told me that Sweden was a good country but he forgot to mention the winter. I arrived in spring the first year where the earth was like a blossom heaven, and then summer came with the perfect "lagom" temperature around 20-24c, where the sun didn't really go to sleep at night. Then autumn's colour melted my heart. Winters...hmmm.. the windy chilly darkness,  love it and hate it at the same! I still wear like a Eskimo while the Swedes will be jogging in their -10c.

14. Be On Time
Swedes are on time for their meetings, their travelling, their group training at the gym, but not pretty on time when they go to a party and when they go for a reservation at a restaurant. I can say this out loud because of my experience in the restaurant branch for over 20 years。

15. State-own alcohol monopoly
In Malaysia a grandpa can send their 10 years old grandson away to grocery shop to buy a bottle of 1 liter strong Carlsberg Beer. In Sweden, you will be sent to jail for 6 months (consider a big crime, worse that a rapist) if you sell alcohol to a person under 18 years old in your restaurant or store. The Swedish Government want to control people's alcohol consumption. At the state-own alcohol store, the cashiers have the legal right to ask for your ID card if they suspect you are under 20 years old. I had the honor to show my ID a few times. The last time was when I was 35 years old. This sounds like a complement to me, so I don't mind at all when they want to check me.

16. Plastic / Paper shopping bag
Yes, it costs (1,50kr to 3kr depends on the material and size) to buy a grocery bag. I normally bring my recycled grocery bag with me. Many Swedes are doing that too nowadays. We do it for the environment and that big "Saving the Earth" vision. Who know, Sweden might be really saving the earth one day if they keep on encourage people don't drive in town, take a bicycle, take public transport like what they are doing now. I wouldn't be surprise if I was someone is riding a donkey through the town in future.

17. Celebrate the special food day
I am a food lover, so I don't mind following these days traditionally.

18. Drink the tap water
Swedes trust their clean water from the tap. They don't drink hot or boiling hot water. They only use hot water for their hot beverage like coffee and tea. So, sometimes when I asked for hot water at McDonald's or at a restaurant, the service personnel will answer my request by asking me with a doubtful voice. "You mean hot water only?"

19. Business casual
I really like this concept because I am not very fashionable and a lazy woman. So, this suit me well. I only dress up for special occasions. I don't have to put on make-up just to go for a grocery shopping. It's pretty much you are free to wear whatever you are comfortable with.

20. Almost free educations and healthcare
One have to be ready to pay a high tax in Sweden no matter you are a employee or employer because part of the tax money will go to the education, healthcare, dental care and many other social benefits. It's in basic, a Robin Hood system in Sweden. My advice, if you want to comfort yourselves in some ways for that tax money, produce babies. No kidding. The more the merrier. All the tax you have paid to the government will be used on your children, plus you get more child benefits for every extra baby you produce. I did it anyway. Two were "lagom" for me.

I have found love and friendship in Sweden. I am stack in this country for over 20 years.  Sometimes I feel I am very Swedish when I am back home in Malaysia. I cannot adapt myself to the government system and people's mentality in Malaysia anymore. But when having discussion about philosophy of life, exchanging opinions about social behavior, food culture with Swedish friends and customers in Sweden, I am still very Malaysian Chinese. It's in my blood and I can't change it. I  have been brought up in a traditional Chinese way where my ways of interpreting the meaning of life would be very Chinese. I guess many of my previous Malaysian classmates who stay abroad for many years might share the same feeling/thoughts.

I will always see Malaysia as my root but this country doesn't treat me equally in its society. I am preparing to see Sweden as my country because at least it doesn't make me feel that I am a second citizen here and I am in its healthcare and social benefits system as equally as the Swedes, even though in reality, they will still see me as a Chinese no matter if I am holding a Swedish passport, or speak fluent Swedish.

Wish I knew 24 years ago

When I moved to Sweden 24 years ago, I knew nothing about this Sweden.  Don't ask me how did I get my gut at that time. I was naive, curious, kind of stupid in that sense because I didn't think twice. I wanted a escape from home. One of my Malaysian friends in Sweden reminded me once, "Oh my God, you were only a little girl when you came to Sweden!" Guess I was. At the age of 22. I wish someone could have told me more about the Swedish culture then.

There are friends and relatives who have asked me about how the Swedes are. Well, I would like to share this blog with you who are interested in knowing the society I live in. Have I became very Swedes? Well, I have adapted myself to some of the things listed on the attached blog. If you have time to read, please go through the list on the blog, and then read my lists here to find out if I am Swedes enough. ^-^

http://sweden.se/society/20-things-to-know-before-moving-to-sweden/

1. SWEDES LOVE THEIR COFFEE

Oh ya, FIKA has also became a culture among my Malaysian friends! Whenever we all meet in town, we will go to a cafe for a "FIKA". Who can resist a FIKA with a cup of nice coffee, a piece of cake and a lot of chitchat? But most of my Malaysian friends would still prefer tea. Swedes love to drink their black coffee. I don't drink black coffee because my heart is too weak to handle it. So, Fika, YES, coffee...hmm...unless with some fresh milk and brown sugar! ^-^

2.GET IN LINE
People will automatically follow this queuing system.You don't want people stare at you like you are coming out from another planet. I never cut a line, but I do know how to get myself go faster before the others though. When the queue is long, especially in a bank, after I have taken a number I will start to look around for the abandoned numbers from the impatience people who couldn't wait for their turn. (Most of the Swedes I met at the queuing system don't do that, wonder why?....)

3. SPEAKING THE LANGUAGE, SWEDISH
Of course it will help a lot if you know Swedish but I must say that Swedes are VERY GOOD in ENGLISH. That's why many foreigners will find it easier to communicate with them in English and don't really bother to learn their language.
It took me so many years to learn the language, and I am still learning and struggling with it everyday, and of course making a fool to myself when pronouncing or using them. My Swedish would be so much more better if I had married a Swedish guy or woman.

4. SHOPPING BEFORE 5p.m.
I don't do glossary shopping in the weekends and definately not after 5p.m. Normally my shopping hours will be one hour before the closing time. Easy flow in the shop, no rush, no queue.

5. SQUEEZE FOOD FROM THE TOOTHPASTE TUBS
Well, I have learned how to eat them with sandwiches but they are not really my favorites. Why? They are toooo salty! I still don't understand why Swedes have to eat so salty food. Do they have different type of tongue compare to mine?
One of the example here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kalles_kaviar

6. FATHERS PUSHING PRAMS
I LOVE looking at fathers pushing prams in the park. My heart starts pumping faster when they are two or three walking together with their prams.  They are simply too sexy  when they are pushing the baby pram. They will even melt my heart when they lift up their baby and play with their baby, so adorable!! I mean the fathers..

7. THE SWEDES ARE AN OUTDOORSY BUNCH
I admire them who enjoy jogging in the rain and snow, while I have to hold my jacket tie and walking like an old lady on the road. Well, perhaps one day I will find a jogging partner, then I might start to learn how to jog on the snowy road. Jogging by myself? I am lazy and no motivation! I am soooo not Swedes when come to this point.

8. BUSINESS CLOSE IN JULY
That's why we have to close our restaurant business in July too. We usually went back to Malaysia in July when the girls were young. Nothing much to say about this.

9. LAGOM
Lagom is the best. Moderate is the best. I love to use this word! When this word is concerned, I am very Swedes.

10. MELODY FESTIVAL - NOT LAGOM AT ALL
This is a big musical event for Sweden. Abba was one of the winner from the Eurovasion Melody Festival. The Swedes love to watch this program. I used to love watching this program too but not anymore because the quality of the songs and artists are not like ABBA's anymore. Furthermore, every year on the night where the program is showing on the TV, I make a lost at my restaurant. So, the melody night is not melody for me at all.

to be continued................

Christmas 2013

Christmas celebration in 2013 was not the same as before.

Julie was not in Sweden to celebrate Christmas with us for the first time. I really wished that she would come home for Christmas but her Christmas card from England filled the emptiness in my heart and her absence in the apartment. Amazingly something happened when I opened the envelop. Her card looked so familiar. Then I remember I saw it at a morning market in London one month ago. I was that close to buy it because of the cheerful singing reindeer on the card. What was the probability that she could choose the same card for me? ^-^? I told her about this coincidence with joy. She said, "Ya! I thought you might like it."

Mabel who enjoys doing homemade cards hasn't touched her art-work box for years. I have saved almost all of her handmade cards from her childhood. She lost her interest in her teenage years. Occasionally she did made some cards, but to her friends, not me. Although I was always looking forward to her homemade Easter cards, birthday cards, Mother's Day card, and I did mentioned this to her, what I got in return when these special days came: zero. As years gone by, my hope of getting those cards vanished from my wishing list. 

Out of the blue Mabel called me one week before Christmas,"Mom, I am coming home to make Christmas cards." What do you think my answer was? ^-^

So, she sat up whole night besides her boxes, with love and creative mind stream, after many hours of concentration, her babies were born! Simply, nice and christmasish.

I sat besides her, watching her proudly. How nice of her asking me about my opinions in between during her brainstorm. I enjoyed her company and was happy of being a mom again that night. I got the priority to choose from one of these beautifully cards, and the card will definitely be reused years after years during Christmas time, just the same I did to her other Christmas cards and handcraft. I really hope her friends who have received her cards would keep theirs as I did, because these cards were special to Mabel She always thinks it over first what the receivers would like before she starts her work, and that's what make these cards the one and only. 

Front (envelop)

Back (Envelop)

Beautiful handwriting! Look like printed!

Besides making the cards, Mabel kept herself busy in the kitchen on the 22nd of December, prepared the Christmas dinner and dessert, made candy and cookies. We invited a new Malaysian friend, Michelle and Indian Mark to have the dinner with us on the 23rd of December. It was a great dinner celebration at our apartment even though we missed Julie so much that night.

With all these stuff (plus some ingredients which is not with the photo), Mabel managed to make Xmas ham, toffee, gingersnaps, panacotta and Swedish potatoes gratin. 

Mabel's panacotta with orange taste, and ginger bread crumbs.So creamy! 

Our dining table, with my mother's precious dinner set 

To Julie and Mabel

First thing I did when I woke up in the morning, I ran to the sink in the bathroom  like a superwoman because the acidity which bubbled in my chest was on its way to come up to my larynx, and whoever was standing on my way better open up a V.I.P.way for my big entrance to the bathroom.  I would vomit like my heart was coming out from my month, but then would actually feel better afterwards because I had get rid of  the nausea for the time being.

As time went by, while lying on the sofa, sometimes I would cried over my swollen feet and at the same time kept touching the skin on stomach was getting more and more stretch marks. I could feel the skin on the stomach tore apart day after day. (So regretful I didn't take my sister in law, Marie's advice to buy the super expensive lotion for the stomach to prevent the stretch marks).

I would drive my husband insane because I was craving for my mother's food in the middle of the night. My master chef would try to comfort me by offering to cook any of his best dishes as long as I was happy but he didn't understand what I wanted WAS FOOD THAT TASTED LIKE MY MOM'S FOOD!

Sleepless nights and breathless was normal as the stomach was getting bigger and bigger. Hubby had to sleep on the floor in order to give place to the master of the bed, otherwise he would have the same symptoms too. (Not that big ball on his stomach though, if you don't see his middle-age stomach as a ball).

The mood swinging I had was a nightmare to hubby through out that nine whole months, but I guess by listening to my horrifying screams of the excruciating pain, while he was trying to help out by encouraging me with the well-known, classical, affective word, "PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!", would count as a torture for him. My respond was," I WANT TO GO HOME NOW, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANY MORE!" I could hear him through my loud screaming, "Errrr....Sorry there is no return ticket for this.."

Hubby lost his energy at the end, and HE was THE ONE who almost needed the nitrous oxygen because he almost fainted while I was squeezing his shoulders sooooo tight until I almost chocked him to unconsciousness.

Well, I might update this post again when I remember some more stuff. At this moment, in brief, that was how you girls came to this world, oh of course don't forget to count the 38 hours (Julie) and 6 hours (Mabel) labour pain, plus the extra 26kgs (12+14) weight-gaining.

If I could turn back time, would I do this again? The answer is a definite YES. ^-^

P.S. Positive experiences might be on the future posts ^-^

Mom's love

Julie shared the following short text on my Facebook today, which had given me a deep thought about my mother and being a mother myself.

"Your Mother carried you inside of her womb for nine whole months, she felt sick for months with nausea, then she watched her feet swell and her skin stretch and tear. She struggled to climb stairs, she got breathless quickly and even a simple task like putting her shoes on was a huge struggle for her. She suffered many sleepless nights while you kicked and squirmed inside of her and while you demanded that she scoffed junk at am  she then went through EXCRUCIATING PAIN to bring you into this world. She became your nurse, your chef, your maid, your chauffeur, your biggest fan, your teacher, your agony aunt and your best friend. She's struggled for you, cried over you, fought for you, put herself second for you, hoped the best for you and has driven herself insane with worry for you but never has she asked for anything in return because she loves you and did it all on love alone! Most of us take our Mums for granted but there are people who have lost or have never even seen theirs. If you have a loving Mother who did all of this for you, you are very lucky, never devalue her worth because one day, you'll wish you hadn't!"

My mother never told me if she had experienced all that pregnancy symptoms before but I remembered she told me a secret six months before she passed away, a secret I was wondering for long time. She was pregnant when she was 28 years old but had a miscarriage. It was a critical condition and  sadly the doctor had to remove her whole uterine. I guess back then in the 60's the medical technology was not that advance as today. Then later on in 1969 I came into her life, through adoption.

Even though mom didn't have to go through excruciating pain to bring me into this world (which my biological mom definitely did, more about her story in another time), surely my mom had yell at me over thousands times until her larynx was in pain while bringing me up (when I didn't obey her or naughty, my fault). Other than the yelling  my mom was definitely a meticulous nurse who took really good care of me (I was underweight, sick and as tiny as a little monkey baby, no kidding, she said that, confirmed by my siblings - another story next time) from the day she brought me home until the day (at age 8) I could actually cut off the frequent visits to this Chinese doctor, who gave me the thick, black, smelly Chinese herbs medicine. I hated that medicine so much but mom kind of force me to take it by pursuing with candies and threatening with rattan. Well, I guess that medicine did had its magical substances. Look how chubby I have become.

No doubt my mom was my chef. She had some good touch in a few dishes which my girls loved them too. Unfortunately mom never really teach me how to cook because she always thought I was in her way when she was cooking. So, I didn't get to learn much from her. I did manage to ask her for a few receipts in those last few months when we spent hours lying side by side on her bed while she was recalling and talking about her past. 

Was my mum my maid too? Hmm... not 100% because we always had an hourly-paid maid at home. Actually mom didn't need to do much herself but she made sure the maid would have washed the clothes and tidy up the house her way. I was not spoiled by having a maid though. I remember mom always wanted me to wash my own school shoes and policed it white. My Indian maid who loved me, was kind enough to secretly wash up my shoes every Saturday before I woke up (I always waited for the afternoon sun to wake me up). Although mom would scold the maid and I when she found out, but that was totally worth it, but I felt sorry for my maid. Oh, don't get me worry, my mom was very very kind to every maid we had hired. (Me too :))

Since my mom didn't know how to drive, she was never my chauffeur. I don't know if mom was my biggest fan though, but she loved listening to me singing those Chinese oldies songs, and she kept listening to my karaoke recording cassettes which I sent to her from Sweden (my cousin told me she did that when she missed me), so I guess my mom was my secret fan after all.

My mom taught me how to be a ladylike (I am still learning how to be one), taught me to be kind to people, taught be to be generous, charitable, polite. Even though mom was not pedagogic in teaching me any of the school subjects, she was an educative teacher in many ways, practically and spiritually. 

I guess the generation gap was quite wide between my mom and I, so we was never really good buddy in that sense. However, to compare with many of my friends' mother, my mom was a modern mom who allowed me to wear mini-skirts; allowed me to bring home boys and go out with boys when I was 15 years old. I had my teenage freedom until I chose my destiny. She was never putting her nose in my relations. ( Although sometimes I wished she had). We could talk about boys stuff and she could make comments on my boyfriends, and even gave each one of them a nickname.

Yes, my mother struggled for me because I decided to stay far away from her. She cried over me when I was sick and when I left her to Sweden. She put herself second for me for not telling me how much she wanted me to move back to Malaysia because she was hoping the best for me to have a good life in Sweden. I had driven her insane with worry when I disobeyed her; when I talked back; when I forgot/too busy to call her for a week or two. My mom loved me so so very much, more than I ever knew.

I took my mom for granted, as most of us do unconsciously. I was and I am regretful. Today I sincerely hope that you are not doing that to your mom if you have a loving mother who is still doing all these for you. You are lucky because you still have your mother around you! Even though she was not as loving as you want her to be; even though she is annoying; even though she is kind of eating your brain when she talks to you; even though she is not as perfect as your friend's mother, she is still your mother.  Love your mom the way she loves you, unselfishly.