Happy Birthday to Me

I have many people to thank in my life for the past 50 year who have helped me to get through difficult times. I am thankful to have so many people who love me for who I am, and being there for me when I needed their helps and advice. I am grateful for knowing so many wonderful and great people all these years. I am glad I am strong and healthy enough to be able to sit here and facing my fear, feeling and doubtfulness.

So much good and bad memories I wanted to recall in my mind yesterday. Some of them were so clear that I can remember the conversations, the details, the people in those memories. Some of them are so blurry even though I tried so hard to press them out of my brain. It's not always the good memories that give me the clear photo in mind. In fact, it's the bad memories that make a deeper mark.

So, here comes the best part of being 50. I dare to face them bravely now. I am learning to let go of the bad memories, to deal with the bad memories, to face it and able to talk about it. The more I am facing it, the more relief I get. Bad memories are like toxic. They are poisoning my brain and body slowly and  silently day by day, year after year. Some people like to say, oh just forget the pass and move forward. Sometimes it's easy to say than done, depends on people's personality, whom they met along the way.

Sharing one of the memories here..

Ever since I moved to Sweden, every year on my birthday, I am very moody and I am sad.  I cry on my birthday every year. I don't know why I was feeling like that. Julie told me last month, it's called birthday blues. To me, I know it's more than that. A year ago, I was excited and talked about having a Disco party, a Karaoke party at my restaurant with my friends and guests. Last month the enthusiastic energy was still there. As the day approaching, the energy dropped.  I was getting more moody. My swinging mood was like a roller coaster. So, it ended up no party, no birthday cake, no flowers, no chocolate yesterday because I chose not to have a party.

The answer is, I got stuck deeply in the pamper zone. People who know me and my mom well will agree with this. My mother always had big birthday party for me every year since I was a little girl. My birthday party was one of the biggest and important days she loved to have people to come to us and enjoyed the food and company. I remember I was so happy to have many people around on the day. I had been spoiled in this way until I was 21 years old before I came to Sweden.

I have learned much from my mom. In Sweden, I love to arrange party for my girls, my husband and my friends for the past years. I remember (use to) good friends' birthday. I love to see my husband, my girls, my friends happy face on their day, just like my mom gave me the joyful feeling on my birthday days. Then here comes the part that upset me. When it is my day, I don't want and I don't like to arrange my own party. I miss my mom much on this day and I wanted to have those memories. I just wanted to be pamper on this day the way she did for me.

As years gone by, on my day, what I got was disappointment because many times hubby forgot the day. I was busy with work and my girls when they were young. When my mom was alive, she would ask me on the phone if I had a birthday party and I always lied to her to say yes so that she knew her baby girl was well-celebrated.

If mom were alive yesterday and if I had talked to her today, I would tell her the truth. I would tell her I miss her and I miss my birthday parties she gave me every year. No, I didn't have any party. I cried the whole morning and didn't want to get up from my bed at 12p.m.  I didn't have the strength. Then friends' greetings on Facebook and sms, friends' calls, Mabel's call from Australia and Julie's call from Stockholm made me realise that I don't need your pamper anymore, mom. I don't need a big party to be happy on my day. I don't need to have many people surrounding me to feel happy on my birthday.

Last week, I already got a pre-birthday yummy dinner as present at a very wonderful good old friend's place for her home-cook meal. Last night, I had a very wonderful dinner and company with a very sweet dear close friend who made the night fruitfulness, meaningful and happy.

So you see, mom, although I still wish I had a party last night with people and great music and dance, like you used to give me, but I am not disappointed for not having one either. Don't worry, I have friends and daughters who love me much and care about me much.  So, I am okay just that you know.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET 50!  Doris :) 

when I was four years old. Our first passport photo. Taken before the trip to Indonesia which I had no memories about.

Mom's favorite pose - holding flowers and smile at the camera. I have been well trained since the young age :)

When I was 12 years old.

I wish I could go back to this size - 16 years old.

18 years old.. so doubtful about life and everything..

Now I know I am really a real Libra. I found my birthday certificate among the old stuff from Malaysia which my father had keep well. So precious.

孽缘

你让人心寒
你让人心累
你让人心跳
你让人心烦
你让人心酸
你让人心痛

你让我哭笑不得
你让我神魂漂浮
你让我坐立不安
你让我不得安宁
你让我堕入深渊
你让我不能自拔

请给我一把锋利剪刀

把藕断丝连纠缠不清
剪不断理还乱的你

一劳永逸地

分            开

Lost

Staring in front of the mirror. In a long long time...

Where are the dimples? Where are the sparkling eyes?
Oh, I know why. Water is blurring the vision. 

Why the surrounding is so quiet but yet it sounds so noisy? 
Oh, I know why. There are insects humming in my ears.

Why feeling numb and cold but yet still feeling kind of living?
 Oh, I know why. The heart is still beating.

Sitting in the cinema. In a long long time....

What's so funny about that scene? Why is everybody laughing?
Oh, I know why. The muscles on my cheeks have lost the strength.

Why feeling so cold in here while there are no empty seats?
Oh, I remember why. I am alone.

Why everybody is leaving now while the ending music is still on the air?
Oh, I know why. They have a destination to go from here but I don't.

Taking public transport. In a long long time...

Why it takes such a long time to get home?
Oh, I know why. I forgot to get off at my stop.

Why it's getting darker and darker outside the windows?
Oh. Can anybody tell me what is the time now?

To Julie

Dear 紫薇,

You know I always try my best to be fair enough between you and Mabel. So, these few days I had this little guilty feeling for not being fair to you lately. I know you wouldn't mind but I do. (Well you know how I am.)

Ok, now you will say, "What's now, come to the point, please?" Well, what I want to say is, I own you a page of message on my blog here since Mabel got hers. ^_^....sorry I am getting older, it does takes time to come to the point. What I want to say is...

I am happy
....you Vibered me two days ago.
... you then called me and we had a real chat instead of continuing with just the texting.
... you get the new part time job.
... you already get used of the new city.
....you taught me how to use "Snapchat" and I got addicted to it now!
... you moved back to Sweeeeden last year!

I am proud of you
....that you did it again! Every time after you went for an job interview, you would then got the job!
... that you made it through the tough times in England all by yourself in almost 5 years.
... that you are now toughter than you think you are.
... that you are confident, intelligent, independent and kind-hearted.
... that you are a good sister and best friend to Mabel.
... that you and Mabel understand me more than I understand myself.

I am going to say the same thing to you which I told Mabel:

You know I am just a Viber, sms, facebook or  just a call away whenever you need any help or need someone to talk about anything. I am happy to listen to any of your updated information about your new job, your new life, your new friends etc.

P.S.

I Miss you and I love you!

想念你！爱你！

To Mabel

I am happy

......you called just now.

......you have found a place to stay in the new city.

......you have good feeling about your new landlord who is kind and nice

......you have met new friend.

......you are excited about your new school

......things start to go smoothly for the past few days since you moved last Sunday.

......you are sharing your excitment, your thoughts, your happiness with me.

  
I am proud of you

......that you are ready to face the new challange in your new path even though you are a bit scared.

......that you have managed so much in your life by yourself for the pass three years.

......that you have grown and shined confidently in the pass three years.

..... that you didn't swear about the pains on your knees  :)... (my heart hurts though...)

......that you are my daugther who is caring, sensible, smart, humorous, creative.

You have to believe in your abilities and your strengths, have more confidence to use them, 

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!

As I always tell you and Julie, I'm not rich enough to give you whatever you want, but I'm rice with endless love for you girls. Wishing you all the best in your study!

You know I miss you everyday, but I will not call you everyday. So, please call whenever you have time. You know I am just a phone call, a sms, a snapchat, a Wechat, a Viber or a FB away. Love you!

Chique Terre 意大利的五渔村

静悄悄地和一位马来西亚来的好朋友到意大利的五渔村 cinque-terre 潇洒走一回。先从看Pisa的斜塔开始，然后从Pisa 做火车出发到那儿。
只是短短四天的旅游， 回来瑞典后，我已经开始计划下一趟的重游。

Pisa旅馆的其中一张照片

Pisa的街景之一

Pisa斜塔

贵族的坟墓宫

贵族的坟墓宫

贵族的坟墓宫

已经好久没吃到那么新鲜的墨鱼了

ChiqueTerre 其中的一个村，Vernazza ，也是我们住宿了三个晚上的地方

要看风景，只有爬山到最高处才能享受到那种到了天堂的感觉

Manarola

我可以坐在那儿一整天看风景也不会闷。心旷神怡的感觉原来是这样的。

好像回到镔城，像中学爬升旗山时的感觉

新鲜的橙子和柠檬混合的果汁，再加上冷冷的矿泉水，欣赏水连天的景色，这就是享受人生了。

太可爱的花

好像毛虫一样的花

长发姑娘

到处都是柠檬树

温馨的老夫妇

回到瑞典， touch down 前

My clumsy Swedish pronunciations :P

I have promised to get back to this.  In general many of Chinese speaking people (who has Chinese as their mother tongue) I have met in Sweden don't really properly pronounce Swedish words which ended with a consonant like "b, d, f, h, k, l, m, p, s, t, v. (exception for those who are very good in speaking English, who are also very good in speaking Swedish).

I belong to those group who don't pronounce the last consonants properly when I am tired or careless with my speech, so embarrassed to say this but I am trying hard to control my speech everyday.  I am really so thankful to my Swedish friends and guests who have the patience to listen to me, and trying hard to understand what I am trying to tell them, and some of them will smoothly and indirectly correct me by repeating the same words I have pronounced wrongly in their conversation so that I can catch their hint and notice my mistake.

Well, we have to understand that in Chinese's phonetic system, "Hanyu Pinyin", use these consonants "b, d, f," etc as the first syllable in every Chinese word but don't end the pronunciation in Chinese word with these consonant, and that's why Chinese like me who are careless and not aware about it, will unconsciously forget to pronounce  the last consonant in Swedish words clearly and properly which in result will sometimes confuse the Swedish listeners.  Furthermore, there are long vowel and short vowel sound in Swedish, and a few other weird (to me) phonetic sounds (please read more about it if you are interested in Swedish_phonology)  which are not even closed to any Chinese phonetic sounds.

So although some Swedish people think I speak fluently but I know I'm still struggling with this Scandinavian language everyday. I have the best Swedish teacher at home, my darling, Mabel who has been trying very hard to guide me and teach me the Swedish pronunciation in many years, and yet, sometimes my mouth and tongue are too tired and too stiff to hit the right tone. Ok, let's cut the story short.. let me start with the best part of today's title.

In Swedish, "kort" means "short"  ( it can mean"card" too but the pronunciation is different)

Let's focus only on the first one which pronounce as "k-or-t" . the "or" in between sounds like "O" in English with a slight "r" sound after before ended with the "t" sound.

The word "kåt" means "horny" in Swedish, which sounds like "k-O-t", the "å" sounds like "O" too.

Swedish people in general are super tall and in their eyes I am super short. So, many many years ago I always tried to practice my Swedish with the following line when I met a tall Swedes,

"Hej, du är väldigt lång, jag är väldigt kåt" = "Hi, you are very tall, and I am very horny"

Oops! my "kort" easily became "kåt" sounds. (The problem was I didn't even know what "kåt" meant at that early years when I just started to learn Swedish!)

So, I don't know how many guys' (perhaps) women's sexual imagination have been turned on by me every time I hit that word "kåt" until one day a guest told me I have pronounced the word "kort" wrongly.  We have a Swedish karaoke song called " Sommaren är kort" (The Summer is short).  I have to pronounce it with microphone every time a guest wants to sing it. So, one night,  it was very honest of that one guest who approached me and told me after he sang that song, "The Summer is not horny, are you?"